at four in the morning, i own the streets.

i can sing out of key as loudly as i want and it will fall on deaf ears.
i turn the pavement of this ghost town into a stage.
and i am nothing more than a street performer.
i dont have to avert my eyes from strangers in my path.
at four in the morning, there is noone stranger than i.
i fell in love with all the flowers that stuck around for the encore.
trueblue. diehards.
and i let myself imagine for a minute that thats what it might feel like to have a following.
they couldnt care less how you sound, how you look, or what you say or dont say.
theyre there for you.
the bite in the air took me back a few months.
to the chill that i complain about, but secretly, id take the sleepy cold months over the sticky sunburn ones.
its all going so fast.
and the days drift into the next without warning, and now its already almost may.
where is it all going, and why cant i make it slow down.
i dont know anything about anything.
but at four in the morning, i can find something that feels close to real.
dont let me forget to remember how this feels.
and once again the early birds are singing my exit song.
i hope this doesnt lose its charm.

'one, two, fuck you'.

birds outside my window. insane.
another late night, early morning. whatever.
i have learned the only thing i will ever be good at.
disappointment is my skill. honed and trained.
i am the assassin of all your dreams, and some of mine too.
i want to purge all the secrets i have ever kept.
call it spring cleaning. and go buy a broom.
call it an exorcism. and go get some holy water.
pretty much its not an easy job, no matter what the label says.
ive learned that one of my favorite shows is actually one of the biggest drags ever.
it bummed me out.
damn all night marathons.
been hitting alot of stuff lately.
put your words in your fist and dont bother aiming.
the contact and release is all that matters.
aching knuckles aside, it worries me.
i am one of the single most impulsive people in the world.
pretty problematic.
ive got a mouth that would make a sailor blush.
and i dont care to censor myself anywhere.
my head cant keep up with my mouth ever.
slowed down by all the thoughts, anchor like.
god id love to be okay for even a little bit.
and im trying to make it right but i all i got was an e for effort.
and no matter where you go, it's the total mark of failure.
believe me when i say its not flattering.
i am the definition of a clusterfuck right now.
and id give anything to be able to find my way out.
but old habits (usually the bad ones) are hard to quit.
consequence is just a fancy word for what if.
i cant be concerned until after the fact.
i wish i didnt care. i wish i couldnt think.
if flaws add character, id be the best one ever.
put two wrecks on the same track and it spells out a bigger collision.
i am scared and exhilerated by the thought.
cause all i want to do is crash(intoyou).
all the flowers are pulling their sleepy heads up and are blooming.
dont let it get out, but theyre only doing it for you.
and you are so fucking classic. and i am all kinds of nostalgic tonight.
which was yesterday. now today.
id tell you to get out of my head, but i kind of like the way this feels.

such a convnient inconvenience.

myself that is.
getting down again.
it seems so fucking predictable lately.
like its too much to ask for to have a single day where i can be completely okay.
and not feel even worse than before the next day.
and i cant seem to figure out why ever.
its such a drag.
i need to get out of my head.
no rest for the wicked, or wicked thoughts at the very least.
im horrible company like this.
but itd be nice to have someone around.
i guess itll be blank walls i share my head with tonight.
and id give anything to be over this.
to ease my mind, to calm yours.
goodnights rest all around.
and even though my heads on the pillow and the blankets pulled up.
i wont sleep at all.
but more like spend the next x hours trying to convince myself i should.
then again, ive never bothered with anything anyone else had to say.
and im the last person in the world to have good advice much less follow it.

i dont want you. just the idea of you please.

i only feel awake when everyone else is asleep.
i want to be the sparkle in your eyes.
i want to be the reason your heart skips a beat and you hope to god that noone saw the smile that (truth or) dared to sneak across your lips in front of everyone else.
because the world only wants to tear down happiness.
and rub it in your face once theyve got you there.
every kiss and hug is laced with the intent to blackmail you out of your life or stab your back.
its all the same even when it doesnt feel like it.
take a look in the mirror and see the footprints in your back from every time you could not say no.
regrets from the yes's take form in the shadows under your eyes.
youve got some heavy baggage and the whole world is in on your secret.
how is it all your lies turn into your best kept secrets.
and youre never the one to let a good thing stay around too long.
tell me how the way your life became the one thing keeping you from feeling alive.
your hearts beating but noone cares.
when 'i's become 'you's its a whole new ballgame.
and the aim is still terrible, but the blame takes the side of whoever i want simply because im the one in control of the pen and direction.
and its the only place to get away from it all exept for when im calling you out.
the definition of 'you' gets blurred.
like; you want to get(me) drunk. (yeah i saw right through that one).
vs; im only counting sheep tonight so maybe i can dream of you.
brown eyed boys are the best thing around in case you havent heard.
the stars are laid out in a masterpiece for you tonight.
but youd never see them cause theyre laying under(cover) blankets of rainy clouds.
the thoughts still there and in the numbers game its all become, its good that it still counts for something. right?

its not the altitude thats got my head in the clouds.

a week ago it was snowing here.
weird cause it's april, weirder cause it was here.
ticktockticktock.
the hands on the clock are relentless
at least they would be if they weren't digitized.
ive been thinking myself into some pretty dark corners lately.
not pleased. but also not surprised.
kind of got a penchant for it.
but im trying to keep it hush hush.
dont want the right people to worry and the wrong ones to notice.
itd be nice if i could figure it out.
sometimes its ok to lose your mind, as long as you can find it later on.
and its ok to not be fine but that doesnt make me al(l)right.
it would be nice to be able to say i never meant anything i said.
or to tell you that all the thoughts were for show.
but noones watching me, this or you. so why bother keeping track of reactions.
i have never been one to be anything other than what i am.
and for better for worse, it will always be me.
believe me when i say im sorrier than you will ever say out loud.
my heads full of words recently.
and it feels like i cant find a single original thought in the whole bunch.
its all the same, just the numbers change and maybe the days too.
ive been forgetting what day it is more and more.
and i dont really care. it just seems like i should.
monday. sunday. nothing ever changes enough to make a difference.
and holidays are so unceremonious now.
trying to remember what it felt like to care.
to feel like i was a part of this instead of just coming apart.
i know i used to think with some sort of caution, trepidation.
but now its like the more i throw myself out there, the more fucked(up) i end up.
and its lame cause it shouldnt be like this, but im lamer cause i cant find my way out.
fuck your futures.
fuck your fortunes.
i just want to find some sense/cents.

id give you my heart but its kind of attatched to me at the moment.

its all so yesterday.
its all been said by someone better.
but these words are just a paraphrase of them.
always has been, and the forecast is pretty stalled.
i dont know myself anymore so it is really hard trying to get to know you.
like a puzzle with step-by-step instructions and i still cant get it right.
punching walls and beating myself up, im aggressively passive.
im only good at figuring out frauds because im such a good one myself.
vapid smiles and out stretched hands connected to heads filled with vacancies from where logic, literacy and life have all checked out long ago. youre not fooling anyone sweetheart.
to go on like this much longer seems insane, and honestly, doesnt seem worth it.
a life similar to a game of tug of war.
the struggle doesnt end but the stakes get higher.
id let go but then you would win.
and im a (sore) loser anyways and couldnt stand to give you the satisfaction.
at least for now.

i am a wreck why would you want me.
i am a wreck why dont you want me.
i am wrecked. and the demolition crew is on their way out.
sleep tight cause i wont.

i put the ____ in ____.

cause thats just how it goes.
had my biggest breakdown the other night.
couldnt find one reason why id be worth anything to anyone.
secrets that have been kept for so long came out in between cigarette smoke and tears.
its so cliche but it wouldnt be me other wise.
it was weird because someone actually said they worried about me.
and its such a new feeling but i dont know what to do with it.
ive got all this stuff in me that needs changing, but the equipment is falling apart and replacements are harder and harder to come by.
and this kid. god this kid. hes got the world on his shoulders and hes breaking breaking breaking down.
the fakers are being recognized and it makes me sick that hes jsut another shiny thing to keep your attention.
this kid is so much more than that. and noone notices.
hes the only thing that feels real to me and the rest of you are determined to make him out as a fraud.
eat shit. seriously. if you really cared, then you wouldnt care at all.
words contradict themselves, actions are dissected and distorted from the birds eye view we all get.
noone knows how it goes, just how we think it goes.
and noone stays the same but the older parts never go away.
ive got rusted dreams of this kid. and hes pure fucking gold. too good for me.
but right now, it doesnt matter because he keeps letting me know that one day we're all going to be over this phase and it wont count for shit the words that are slung with hate and blind judgment.
one day itll be like it should and the hype wont mean a thing cause hes just a kid and im just a kid.
and someday we;ll make sense of it all. or not. but thats a thought for another day.
run away until the world forgets our names. until were just faces in the crowd.
if i could escape (idtakeyouwithme).

sick. and sick of this.

hands down, this has been the worst week ever.
im losing what little faith in people i have left.
the spirit of spontaneity is being drowned by the reality of human douchebaggery.
noone ever listens when they say "it could happen to you"
cause were always like, so above the possibility.
we lead the charmed lives, cause no matter how bad it gets, it will never be like that for us.
i came crashing off my pedestaled mentality earlier this week.
it could have been the greatest april fools joke in history.
except i wasnt laughing.
i trusted you like you expected me to.
i constantly curse my oblivious nature.
you proved me wrong.
enjoy everything that you took from me.
cds and journals and the blah blah blah aside
you also took just a little more of my dignity, pride, and innocence.
but youd nver be able to return any of that.
cause you cant even answer your phone.
congratulating myself for being the biggest fool.
this is the week that refuses to end.
give me something to look forward to.
anything at all.