the house of cards is about to collapse and ive got the worst poker face ever.

sweating out walks to work in hoodies.
heart permanently inked into my sleeve.
the fingers that hit these keys belong to a complete stranger.
not too sure who i was before all this, but then i am not too sure who i am now.
sometimes i wish i could go back to drowning my sorrows.
not like i know how to keep my head above water anyways.
completely and utterly alone.
noone to go back to, nothing to look forward to.
the best moment of my life has been archived away and this is the fallout.
because nothing can come close to how i felt then.
i could not stay away from a bad situation to save my life.
could not let myself be happy to save my sanity.
everyday feels like the worst day ever, the one that should send me over the edge.
but still i am here.
call it a cause but it is more like an effect.
there is not a pill strong enough to lift my spirits.
or a pair of shoulders that could do the same.
off the clock and off the record, it is just me.
and a head full of thoughts determined to keep these eyes wide late into the (every)night.
keys clicking, time bombs ticking, i can only tell you all of my worst qualities.
i will deny every good thing you may say about me.
turn compliments into sarcasm, cause it simply does not register.
full moons fill me with envy.
i am always late for everything.
growing up, giving in, giving up, putting out.
'cute without the 'e'', apathetic without the 'a'.
say 'i don't care', but we all know its a lie.
my head never shuts up, but when my mouth opens, different versions of nothing come out.
stupid stuttering starry eyed kid.
you say you miss me, but how do you miss someone you never knew, who never knew their self?
crisis of faith. crisis of identity. culture shock(ed).
there is an underlying thought that runs throughout everything i have ever said, and everything i will never have the guts to say or find the voice that will scream louder than these words.
how many ways can you say the same thing until it sinks in?
i am surrounded by hypocrites well-versed in contradictions, but i am the very best.
my mood changes constantly, and noone can keep up with the on of on off on off.
there is nothing left to take that hasn't been pillaged, plundered, or pawned.
pride and innocence and love and life.
he said 'i am a corpse bored with my own funeral'.
it's an odd and unsettling feeling to know that someone can write you(off.)r story so effortlessly.
and we are all unique individuals except when we are not.
and the non-conformists are beginning to look identical.
there is not a single emotion that has not been felt.
an idea that has not thought.
a word that has not been said.
and though i am troubled in many aspects, theres someone else out there who is climbing out of the gutter and feeling the sun warm their face and are genuinely happy.
i want to be them so badly but at the same time how could i abandon the only thing that has ever shown a sense of loyalty.
sometimes i think the world needs sad souls to make others find value in their own lives.
and it makes me believe that my role is that of the former.
but don't you dare feel sorry for me.
mr. t could not come close to me as far as pitying fools go.
and wouldn't you know, i am the worst of all.
more later.

i am not real.

early morning revelations.
my thoughts are full of milligrams, microscopes and mistakes. something went wrong along the way. writing more and more and finding less relief. want to be forgotten. noone could ever fall for a lost cause. want to fight something other than walls. want to be more than this. there is no i in team but there is a you in us and it sounds like an okay idea when the lights are all off. the stars shined brighter when we shared the same patch of sky. egos inflate to protect porcelain hearts. give me all your faith and i will give you all my morals. spinning heads and spinning discs. deeper sleep and sweeter dreams. cant have what you want ever.

back to the future, back to wednesday

the show went better than i could have ever dreamed.
it made me feel real, made me remember that i am alive.
sometimes i tend to forget that.
inked tickets and photo ops, my nerves came back for a walk on role.
if you saw me, you would have laughed.
its okay though because i was laughing on the inside.
fought my way to the front, i was three rows from the stage.
the sweat, the reverb, the frenetic energy that pulsed in the crowd.
the air was electric.
remembered that the buzzing in your ears is the best souvenir you could ever walk away with.
did not meet who i wanted to meet, but i met a few other faces.
aftershow, afterhours, afterparty.
how did i talk my way into the club.
still not too sure.
saw him on the ones and twos, but you know i could never force myself up there.
he is still golden and i am still flawed.
drama in the ladys room.
screaming for a limo cause someone was cranky.
drinking will do that, i promise you.
danced with the cobra.
could not keep up, but you know i tried.
he had the kind of hug you could move into, call it home.
it wasnt his party but he made it his own.
popping, locking, talking the whole time.
i wanted to be bold, wanted to stand out, and i stepped on my spine trying to cross the thin line.
too used to making a fool of myself, what time did hesitation make the scene?
wish it would have stayed at home, the night was mine.
kind of like i could have done anything and not worried about the ifs.
starstruck maybe.
its all stories to be told to infinity.
to strangers and to inner circles.
to laugh at my awkwardness and acknowledge my luck.
holding every memory of the night close to my heart.
it was good without expecting the bad.
so rare for me as i tend to plan out my disasters.
in passing to a stranger:
her- he could do so much better
me- noone likes to hear when youre happy
her- its all publicity
me- but some people are the infinite victim, cant let themselves be happy.
her-maybe
me- when you are always down on yourself, you convince yourself that the worst is the most you can hope for.
me- hi, i am kettle. have we met?
but thats a downer trip for another day.
i am still stoked, dont want to ruin the way this feels.

eyes open, hood up, ears pressed to the ground.

secrets are crawling under the cracks.
and whispers hold within them hints.
if you are lost, then you are not paying attention.
and if you are, then shut your mouth.
tell the whole world, and it turns into gossip.
pick it apart and find your place at the back of the line.
it's only this perfect because i refuse to let it be anything but.
face to face is how i want you.
five minutes of your time, how much would that set me back?
weakend was horrible.
but now it's looking up.
and i am counting down.
three two one.
take a snapshot of my insides- twenty four karat.
golden for now, i am a stagecoach.
this is the one time the destination is better than the journey.
by the end of the week, ill be back to a pumpkin.
hit me with your worse and i will return the favor.
not too good with words, but my fists get the point across.
break my spirit, but you are only just bending it.
because i am playing the numbers game at the moment, and its got me smiling despite your best interests.

hell hath no fury like minimum wage.

dear you,
pinched nerves and broken fingers are just my way of telling you that ive got your number sweetie.
in a week full of shit, you are the motherfucking cherry on top.
please cease breathing because the world will carry on without you, trust me.

this time i am hoping you have a more entertaining exit in mind...

i have spent the better part of two years trying to get rid of every memory i ever had of you.
and then i found myself in a moment of unplanned weakness.
i wonder what you thought when you saw a letter with my name on it.
i am not totally unconvinced it would have been better if you had left it unanswered.
delete it, when it might mean me.
but now we are back to pretending we are both grown ups.
'bet i am more mature than you' undertones throughout.
and then there was the proposal of an idea.
god knows i should have walked away right then.
you are no good for me.
and everyone knows it.
the hardest thing in life is always going to be staying away from your first.
love, enemy, its pretty much the same if enough time passes.
it would have been nice if i stood up for myself for once instead of making excuses and hoping you would believe them.
but it is so in character for me to take the hardest fucking road everytime.
i wish i wasnt so dependent of opinions formed by people i can not stand.
i am no good for you.
i am not good enough for you.
i am not good enough for myself.
this is the stupidest game ever played.
and i keep telling myself that i am better than this.
that i am smarter than this. i have to be.
it would be nice if i thought you would like me the way i am at night.
when my nightmares play out in my head though i am not asleep.
when i am dying to clear out my mind and the pen never leaves the lines except to tear the pages out of the notebook because they are simply not good enough to stay in.
when i am tearing myself apart, down to the core, because i hate the way i am.
when i finally hit the pillow and switch out counting sheep for wondering if i would be better not waking up.
when i plan out my afterlife because i cant seem to keep my thoughts on tomorrow for too long.
and you will not read this because i will never show you.
but i will act like this is something you should have known all along.
i will be upset when you say you had no clue.
because i couldnt ever let myself be happy, even once.
if you cant figure it out, i cant promise i will stay.

sometimes it makes me inexplicably happy

that there is someone out there who can make a forevernever happy kid like me smile.
dont stop.
cause im the kind of person who needs to be reminded.
alot.

i know this is a sudden trend, but seriously...

is it even possible for birds to sleep?
cause it is so far from morning, and yet, they're outside my window once again.
im pretty sure this is significant of something, im just not sure what.
i think i need a bigger head.
somewhere for my thoughts to run free, instead of cramping and being lame.
i cant follow one thought without running off on another for always.
and when i lose the meaning in one idea, then another one becomes clear.
it never really changes, but sometimes it feels like im getting somewhere.
i am becoming more self aware, and that in and of itself is kind of shocking.
detox from parties, detox from friends, detox from life.
sometimes.
take a step in the right direction but whats right isnt easy and whats easy is usually wrong.
not too comfortable with calling it growing up.
age is just a number, and maybe (smile)lines and crinkles(from narrowed eyes) will shed light.
but usually, they just leave you feeling exposed.
calm composure on the outside, keep your insides safe.
but bodies are not too good of actors, and are all too good at betraying you.
youve got scars from tumbling(onoffonoff), and baggage (check the mirror) all over the place.
personify your memories so you can still see them even when you wish you could forget them.
youve got lips that look ripe for kissing, but its just because you spend so much time biting back words and ideas that you could never let escape and give you away.
tell me when that light went out in your eyes, i was too busy getting lost(and found) in them to notice.
and tell me why you shake in heated nights, summer sheets and sweated out hoodies, like you could never get warm enough to find that pulse to remind you that you really are still here.
shallow rivers run through your wrists, but it's clear you're in over your head.
and it feels like rainy day music, low and dreamy, put your words on a loop.
cause it never changes, and even when you rearrange the sequence, it still stays the same.
there are not enough metaphors to make this make sense.
but sometimes, sometimes, repetition is the best medication.
say something enough, even if its a lie, and you'll believe it.
and too much time is being wasted trying to decipher through the rubble.
over analyze and dissect every part of everything until theres nothing left but fragments of something that sounded too pure and genuine to actually be real.
thats just the way it goes.
a handshake isnt just a handshake, its a symbol that will be looked upon months from now to remind you that it was a mistake from the start.
and how your left foot always bounces when youre eating pizza from that one place you love, its indicative of how i knew i would be screwed in the end.
but thats just the physical, i couldnt get into how much damage comes from the verbal.
and how sometimes it feels like youve lost your voice because noones ever listening anyways.
selective hearing i guess.
you know what its like to be a ghost because you know what its like to be in a room and not be acknowledged at all.
maybe its crazy, and more than likely youre crazy, because theres no way out.
fucking hummingbird, if you stopped for once ever, youd probably just fall.

but im thinking the funniest thing is how open for interpretation words can be.
like when 'he' has to be you and how 'you' sometimes means 'me'.
im just a fucked up kid writing letters to myself, maybe.

when it all goes dark, i'll use your eyes to light the way.

we are the love songs that havent been written yet.
losing sleep making words fit feelings.
we are the 'to everyone else' in the liner notes of your favorite cds.
dying to feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.
we are testing the waters of growing up. undertows at our heels.
we are wrong stars.
burned out before our wishes could make it.
we are clocks that run a minute too quick or too slow.
ruined 11:11's. everytime.
scarred and scared.
we are the prettiest doormat on the block.
waiting to be stepped on or passed by.
we are high fashion.
hearts on sleeves before you could buy it in stores.
true(ly)blue.
we are ticking (time)bombs in chests.
we are stutters and awkward bouts of avoiding eye contact.
thinking with lips and hips.
and our heads do more damage than our fists ever could.
mistakes and regrets last longer than black eyes.
forever is never, but we're not the kind to give it up.
live or die(hard) trying.
we are technicolor in a world full of grey.
me with(out) you is how it always plays out.
but keep writing until you find some hope.
keep the pens flooding paper. its such a black on white affair.
'...wired eyes exposing imperfections to the public eye we're perfect..'
journaling became the new confession booth.
backspace your sins for prosperity.
not as many 'hail mary's, but some of us are still humming 'hallelujah'.
sing it like it was meant for you, even though it never was.
fall for all the wrong hearts all the time.
we are looking for happiness, but this is easier to come by and harder to leave.
history dictates sorrow, and we are (in love with) tragedies.
keep telling yourself 'it only has to sound good' until it doesnt matter.
so keep records on repeat.
and build a home out of words and melodies.
youre not alone, because somewhere, someone will get all this, get you.
and like you because of/despite it.
find comfort kid.

give me a thunderstorm and ill give you all my like.

last night was a disappointment in more ways than one.
didnt get stood up but i did get crashed on.
i stayed up but shut down.
finally found sleep on the couch (sunrise snoozer) cause the floor didnt like my neck too much.
im not big on the idea of identity sometimes.
like how every picture i see of me looks like a different version of a person that i cant see in mirrors.
constantly changing the outside to match what i think the inside would look like.
havent gotten it right yet, but one day someday. maybe.
life is funny in the way how when you look forward to something, the slightest setback feels like apocalypse in your head.
and bad news is heavier when hope is riding shotgun.
fluffy white cloud kind of day today had me looking for silver linings.
less like search-and-destroy and more like never leave my side.
but persistence and an itchy finger saw me walking into (tourist)traps.
i got the golden ticket and now im counting down days faster than usual.
this whole year feels like ive built it all up to one day(could change it all).
although if were being honest, vagueness aside, its been building up much longer than that.
but no matter how this comes out, from my head to your eyes, i truly am happy tonight.
took pictures to commit to memory(cards).
bookmarked the feeling to remind me that days like this arent so bad.
smiles today were the real thing i swear.
and happiness is just begging to be torn down, or so they say.
so lecture me in a book judged by the cover kind of way.
you: i dont get why
me: maybe its better that way
you: ten bucks says you jump this bandwagon for the next one
me: pastimes are trends-lifelines are there as long as youre hanging on
you: but youve got the worst grip ever
me: ....(ass)
sometimes i want to prove them all wrong. sometimes its just you.
we go down with sinking ships because this is our story.
and we would never let you write the ending.
diehard dreamers with waterlogged lungs.
our last gasp is a collective fuck you-
to everyone who bailed when they found out it wasnt ever going to be easy.
you think you know, but stop reading the cliffnotes.
call encyclopedia brown and get a fucking clue.
cant say why this reads so harshly.
because really, i couldnt be happier right now.