youd ask to borrow two cents if they were the pennies covering my eyes.

someone out there has made me believe in magic again.
head still foggy but the hearts beating a little lighter.
roomates have me feeling like a casualty, a calamity.
whisper in other rooms, but you know i hear every word.
sell me out when my value is low, but you love me for all the cents i make.
tell me otherwise and i will call you a liar.
this is nothing more than a parasitic, sometimes mutualistic relationship.
unhealthy just like every other thing in my life.
theres a fresh breath coming in from off the water, or wherever he is right now.
it wasnt supposed to play out like this. but here we are.
take my troubles with you and throw them over the edge so noone has to be bothered with them ever again.
i want you here now.

remember to feel real.

short fused. hard headed. weak willed. keep calling me psycho like it will change anything. like it will make me want to change. keep finding myself giving second and third chances to the people that had me written off from the get go. it gets old being always on the verge of throwing punches. failure is flattering but the poorest form of imitation. you would think id be acclimated to the fact that i am surrounded by idiots and not always just when im on the clock. dumb myself down or attempt to educate. neither sounds too appealing. armor for sleep is singing my anthem right now and there is noone around who gets it at all. so tired of trying to make excuses for things that should not have to be excused. i want to write every single word of every single song that has ever meant a thing to me just so i have my own way of feeling more connected to life. simply because sometimes singing it doesnt feel real enough to me. or maybe i am just envious of the hands that can brings minds out of shadows and into this world out of familiarity. someone please tell me how theres a birthday on the horizon that i never saw coming. how im working a job i promised id quit though i never made my reasoning clear. how im falling into arms of someone that a former flame tried pushing me into when the fire was still burning. nothing makes sense and i cannot help but dwell on the small things. id kill to find ease. put my problems to scale and theyre pretty fucking unimportant in the grander scheme. but that leaves me feeling smaller than i currently do. and that only results in remembering childhood nightmares that i keep trying to forget. dont make sense of this. i dont need another critic that gets something i cannot grasp. its going to be a long night but this is where the keyboard stops.

the valley of temptation has been deforested.

i like who i should not like, who i am told to not like. "you always go for the ones that make you feel like shit first". funny how some people will always be willing to drag up the past when you are focusing on the future. and vice versa. a contributor to misery when the past wasnt quite yet. everyone against me, placed on trial for poor decisions based on alcohol volume. found a higher road and mended a fence along the way. if i could do it all again, id pick the other party. he's got me stuck with a permanent smile and all i hear is the blah blah blah from the bystanders. itd be nice if more people would stand by me than just standby. im by far the least likely to be girlfriend material and i am still unsure what he sees in me that i cant ever see on my own, or why he finds my flaws quirky. but hes got me blushing and gushing and weve whispered words of exclusivity and how he doesnt want to share me with anyone. its got my heart beating just a little faster and my head spinning a little more than usual. i dont know what to call it, but right now, i dont think it needs to be named. im currently content and its a rarity. id do anything not to fuck this up, as is my nature. not sure who reads this and who doesnt but if you do, id rather not know. just conclude that im thinking about you.

picking up four leaf clovers cleverly located under ladders

restrictions and limitations are ideas that tear my head up inside. getting called out is okay but theres no point in doing it if its done just to be done. misplaced cans other menial bullshit just pushes me further and further inside. id fight it if i could (i know i could) but the mediator is biased and im a disposable variable at the end of the day. placing leaves over the holes i have dug for myself so i can still be caught off guard once in a while. i know what youre going to say before your lips even move. you have been stereotyped in every single aspect. whats truly funny to me is how they all love to talk behind backs and closed eyes and grandstand about how well they know me. i wish theyd let me in on the details i am too dense to catch on to. spent the last few days tearing up carpets and smoothing over the rough edges. laying new foundation on something that is too damaged to be fixed with whiteout. it only feels like i do not belong here because i know that i do not. but the cost of living is high and this is the only place that can accomodate my lack of drive that supplies me with my meager earnings that dwindle quicker when the needs of others surpass my own. one day i feel like i will feel like i belong somewhere. not even my pillow is inviting anymore. just a reminder that once i visit i will have to leave to work. no fun makes me a dull girl. and the only fun i have is when i am doing things i know i shouldnt be.
its such a cliche to say that i am utterly hopeless but i am throwing my own pity party so leave your opinions at the door if youre going to come in for the tea.
as days of unluck go, this one was a bust. i wanted to be tested someway and just got let down again. how typical.

years later, the truth would surface that the cd player was empty the whole time.

if i could never take off the earphones, i think that i would be happier. get kind of weird when the subject turns off of music and into reality. im pretty bad at doing the whole being a productive member of society. but i am shock value. i say what you wont because i simply do not care if someone i do not know hears something unpleasing to their egos. i am an infomercial. i want you to want what i am selling. but the target audience is disinterested. my heart is only on my sleeve because i am trying to keep an eye on it these days. but sometimes it still sneaks out when i am busy looking over my shoulder to see if youre watching me. in the time spent not trying to sleep or trying to channel my inner monologue onto keyboards or notebooks, i let my mind wander. like how it would be cool to have an evil twin. see things through different eyes but still the same headspace. but maybe itd be more like the good twin. cause im not too good at doing the right thing when it counts. and ive got eyes watching me everytime i fuck up. bad press is not good press when youre not looking for any press at all. i want to fall in love, but only in increments. love and life on layaway plans, but ive got shitty credit and might be better off with empty pockets.

i saw hell today. it was hot.

clocks stuck in molasses. it should be days from now or at least it feels like it.
spent the night analyzing the self with an old friend. and its not even two.
always too fast or too slow but never what you want.
i owe someone some chicken noodle soup tomorrow, if it ever gets here.

when we hugged, a lone bird dropped out of the sky. we havent hugged since.

when i die, bury me with my hoodie (the only one that means anything) and my headphones..