this is where the protagonist has the 'pseudo breakdown' in that one movie.

every night i take apart my head.
replay each second, every decision.
what i said and what i should have said.
what i did and what i could have done.
finding myself feeling less(real) and more(disconnected).
the stupidest equation and i am lacking the solution.
deaf ears and blind eyes have me pulling hair.
pulled a kilamanjaro today and at some point just stopped.
couldnt care if you paid me to.
shut myself down like software.
misery loves company, but sits at a table for one.
told him i was completely miserable, dead eyes and deadpan.
sometimes i think its this city that has my head so sick.
but then again it might just be my head ruining the simpli-city.
another him called me just to say good night.
throws me off course to see someone so pleasant.
like a sour patch kid like me could catch his eye ever.
sometimes maybe im over the top, a walking self contained blast zone.
for those with tickets to the show i cant say that it will be worth your time.
the minuteshoursdays are nonrefundable but its nice to see you in the seats.
im making my mark in the form of circles in dirt paths.
but im not the kind of kid thats going to go anywhere.
ive got big dreams but no license to drive.
im terrified to see the wreck ill be in another three hundred sixty five.
i miss how easy i used to think it was going to be.
writing letters to my innocence on postcards marked wish you/i were/nt here.
i take my head apart every night
and come morning im missing yet another piece.
carbon copy the process until theres nothing left to deconstruct.

'im just the way that the doctors made me'

i am forever trying to find magic.
enchantment in the mundane.
meaning that means more than this.
something bigger than you, me and all these wide eyed early morning dreams.
stare at the sky until it feels like the stars are moving.
the day starts in about four hours and i am still stuck in yesterday.
dear you,
i miss you.
i think of you everytime i see a star that shines brighter than the others.
the doom and gloom kid and forever smiling boy.
its crazy. its not meant to work.
but youve got the corners curling.
down the street or down the coast.
doesnt matter how far away if youre not right here.
id call and say goodnight, but youre already gone.

leave bread crumbs on the ground

so i can find my way back.
i am forever pounding pavement.
looking for a reason.
sometimes i feel like i am not a person.
nothing at all.
a seat filler simply occupying space while the world is spinning without me.
i am living a stop motion life.
one would think i would be able to make this work.
one would be wrong.
i dont know what i am doing anymore.
today into tomorrow into the weekend back to two days ago.
the clocks tick a little louder when youre keeping track of where all the secondminuteshours go.
oh what a waste of a life.
i cherish nothing but smiles and memories that may have been edited to make for happy thoughts that were never real in the first place.
i dont know how to grow up so please stop telling me to do so.
toys r us kid.
constant disarray and im finding my place inside it.
this takes time.
i take time.
i am sorry for being so trying.
truly.

theres no 'i' in team, but there is in quit.

walked home in the rain tonight but it looked like armageddon.
the light show that preceded it was pretty awesome.
everything got soaked and i sit here with crossed fingers that the sidekick recovers.
its always either stormy or sunny this time of year.
you can set your clocks by the way one stops and the other stops.
beachfront living. killer views but im only always looking up.
lights off is how it should be sometimes. black outs without bottles.
theres a veritable calm in between the rounds of thunder that shake walls.
i think it might just be me though. noone else seems to catch on to it.
as cars raced to get to point b or maybe point a (the idea of freeways made my head spin as a kid. like if i was on one side assumed that everyone was going and the cars on the other side were all coming. i couldnt see it any other way. weird.) and i was screaming along to my ipod and laughing at cars.
society gets annoyed by natural occurrences like the world should know better than to rain when theyre driving.
but then people should know better than to blindly destroy a world that has given so much without expecting repayment .
an old man saw me smoking the other day and he said 'those'll kill you'
and all i could say back was 'we're not all trying to live to be eighty'
im an asshole for sure, but it made sense to me.

and again i am alone.

noone does it better than me. i am the traveling circus. a one man show of shock and awe. get a good seat before they are all gone. i keep losing the part where i am supposed to be caring. dropping words that wont go back in. i write in pen only so i dont have to bother with erasing. i am clumsy in person and in thought. and i am nothing if not incomplete. trying to build this life into something more comfortable but often i wonder about the value of ever leaving my bed. throwing everything into working and getting hours so i can get money that i will have no clue what to do with. maybe buy new pants from where pockets have burned. updates everywhere. i am trying to become a version two point whatever, remove myself from this. it never works. an addict with an impressive relapse record. like why bother trying when hope seems hollow and help is rarely ever just that. im not kicking any buckets, just dirt. to and from. always. i want to get away from everything here. reminders of who i was, who i am and who i will be. the history is in every face i dodge on the street. and everytime i am recognized, i am amazed how someone could remember this kid who cant ever get their self straight. i am tired and tired of this soundtrack. flip it over, cause i am dying to live away from the mainstream. i want cutting room floor days and bside nights. im thinking of someone and im still not sure why.

shooting stars.

crashing the gates of government property in search of the perfect pitch black. meteor showers left me staring into infinity. tonight was designed for something amazing. got to feel my problems melt away even if only for a little bit. in a world full of predictability my eyes were wide trying to not blink and miss a second. i live for this. the magic. the enchantment that hits you once the lights of the city have become little more than a haze in the distance. a million miles up was where the action was. the awkwardness of situations i cant help but keep walking into, doom and danger and dread that kept me up this morning couldnt touch me tonight. i am in love with laying on playground slides, background music suppplied by crickets and not having to say a single word. i wished for you and hope you got to see even one. this town has me longing for something more private, more dimly lit and closer to wherever you are. i could lay under a sky this perfect forever.

turn the lights off carry me home.

i want to be a stranger in a strange city. i want to go where noone knows my name. the past and present dictate our futures and the circles you used to run in will eventually overlap with the current. and the people you thought you would never see again will come back around for a shot to see you in a new light. soon enough it all becomes a six-degrees-of-separation matter. gossip fuels fires and secrets are kindling to keep it going. and the memories that got twisted into something to cherish are dusted off. sometimes color can kill a perfect black and white picture. reputation is everything and everyone wants a piece to call their own.
i am finding more reasons to smile. this is a good thing. and happens not alot.
the possibility of a new job has got my stomach doing flips.
and new/old people coming back has me nervous, for reasons both known and unknown.
im uncharacteristically optimistic currently and trying to savor it.
waiting by the phone is less lame if the phone is in a pocket.
but im still waiting nonetheless.

nothing you could hold onto, but everything youd hold long enough to change

when i see enough of someone, anyone, i find part of myself trying to convince the other part that the person is really real. more like a 'how can you exist' as opposed to 'you are not real'. if that makes any sense. it does to me. maybe that should be the gauge for how well we could relate. if you get it, we'll be awesome. if not, we should just part ways. but then thered be the people that said they did, even if they didnt, just to see what was at the end of the tunnel. btu its not as rewarding as you may have led yourself to believe. fire you hype people, theyre spreading lies and blowing sunken ships out of the water. but that probably isnt ringing too clear either. i keep going in circles and i am never getting anywhere. its the only reason im a month away from twentytwo already. going in circles will put miles on the spedometers but when its all said and done, youre still where you started. blow out the candles and make a wish for me. im into using other peoples luck lately, as mine cant get much worse.