wheres the kid with the chemicals?

i miss them too much.
bury myself in work so maybe the days will go faster.
but it feels like they are crawling.
sunrise bedtimes
my inner child is jealous.
wasting time trying to see people to fill missing places.
its not the same.
those that are motivated by selfish intentions i tend to let down.
maybe its a matter of you didnt try when you had your shot.
maybe its a matter of i dont want to be like that anymore.
because someone is making me want to be better.
figured this would be a foreign feeling forever.
maybe its just lucky.
misguided fortune that just got stuck with me.
but no time for complaints.
i only want to work through the weekend because itll get me closer to them.
oh impatience.
bring those arms back.
electronic sentiment doesnt feel the same.

dear you.

spare me some sunshine sir.
they never taught happiness in school.
and if they did, it was one of the days i ditched.
skip to the back of the book and tell me how this all ends.
if the current is perpetual or just a passing phase that doesnt know how to leave graciously.
if ill ever stop hanging on the end of their sentences looking for a deeper meaning that was never even there.
five minutes of your time.
just give me a sign.
the clouds are getting to be too much in my head.

want you.

you could argue that its perfect almost.
fourteen days here. fourteen days there.
roughly.
rinse and rinse. repeat.
just enough time to remind one why hearts grow fonder when the other is away.
already out the door when routine settles in.
milestones are vague at best.
theyve got you finding your conscience at crucial checkpoints.
theyve got that smile making a comeback.
theyve got you x-ing off days on calendars.
and that short shelf life you go on and on about, works here.
when youre saving every second, smile and hug, theres not enough time left to let down your guard.
cant break down. cant crack. dont crack.
the thoughts cant reach you until youve said goodbye again.
if only you could follow the advice you give others.
see the worth in yourself that you swear is non existant.
see the world the way you preach it when someone else has a bad day.
but youve said the same thing to everyone else that when it comes to you, its recycled and far from comforting.
and the big bad sadness comes back.
if there were a pill to make this all go away, youd be at the front of the line.
but reality gets in the way of living and youve got a collection of small victories that amount to nothing in the end.
and when you think youre almost out, a letter from a ghost finds its way to you and pulls you back in.
you cant let yourself feel good because youre too busy being reminded why youll never be good enough.
read between the li(n)es and find yourself a fraud.
take the light off you cause the attention you want so badly burns once you have it.
and the heat intensifies the weight of your every decision.
its all coming apart, but youve got your smile on a shelf until that someone comes back.
and you can put this all on ice for awhile.
youre never gonna get it kid.
and maybe youre not meant to after all.

sit down and get stood up.

the only thing that ever changes is the face of the clock.
i am just as stupid as ever, in case anyone had concerns.
break my heart and i will keep you around because thats just how i am.
i couldnt quit a goddamn person, place, or thing.
stockpile friends and memories because it cushions the fall.
and remembering what i had is better than what has been taken away.
the glory days of road trips and carelessness are leaving holding hands with the warm temperatures.
heard worried thoughts and accusations from someone who knows me better than i know me, which isnt saying much for either party.
turns out im not just a shitty person in my own eyes, good to know i suppose.
coming up on a decade long anniversary, but its not something to celebrate as much as reflect.
i seem to do that alot these days.
like how i am who i am because of every single face i have ever seen, every heart that gave me a second of their time, and each word cutting away and shaping all my thoughts.
inversely, i am who i am from every person whose time i could not afford, whose hand i could reach far enough to hold, and every knife that has found a home in my back.
my heart is in someone elses hands and i have no control.
done so well for so long, i/t cant last.
the whispers and voices that cant be put to faces are the ones that live in my head.
they bring down my face value.
i wont be good enough for anyone if im not good enough for myself.
and (whoevers)god bless the ones that try anyways.
goodnight moon.

twenty two candles, one for each year.

theres not enough cake in the world to hold a candle for each tear.
its your birthday baby girl.
keep your head up today.
dont forget to breathe.
presence over presents.
cant have one and wont get the other.
keep breaking their expectations kid.
lace up your gloves for another three-six-five fight nights.
noone could say they saw this coming, not even you.
but cant you say that maybe youre a little happy?
make a wish.
say goodnight.