sometimes i wonder about my place in this life.
why i refuse to talk to some people and why i will endlessly find my way back into the lives of people that have made me sad.
one could say i am a sucker for disappointment, but i like to think that they are wrong.
sometimes it takes walking back into the fire that one extra time to get that flame inside you reignited.
i think i found someone who makes me happy.
who makes the smiles feel real.
cause i am smiling thinking about them when they are nowhere near me.
i dont know why exactly i am on this current path, what i did to get here, or how i ended up the way that i did. if i had the chance to do it all from the start, i wouldnt change anything, just maybe keep better notes.
someone who was once close to me is in a home now. and there is a full scale war waging in my heart. looking back, i can find all the mistakes that were made along the way, point out flaws and their ripple effects, but i cannot find it in me to go back.
like i am confident in my decision, but if time is not good to this person, i will feel terrible for the rest of my life. i am an often inconsiderate person. some might say selfish, i would like to think they are wrong. absence and ignorance is the only way i know to deal with obstacles that make me hurt inside. and guilt from people who are two faced does little to make me change my mind.
as this person fades, my head is being torn apart.
you cannot go home once you have left.
i am truly lost, and thank the universe for giving me someone who can try and put these thoughts at rest.
i am a terrible person, or so they have said. but i would like to make you believe that they are wrong. even if i cannot convince myself of this.

the truth is...

i am finding myself completely fond of you.
you might have noticed.
when i forget to talk on the phone.
ive never had any cinematic moments, but maybe, right before you let me go when youre about to fall asleep.
the sound of your voice and the way each sentence feels sleepy.
maybe. just maybe.
i think you made the whole world melt away.
and i think i made sure to make a note of it.
excuse the lack of eloquence no doubt expected here.
the sides of my skull are threatening to cave in.
i hate headaches and miss you.
and here we are.

'noone else but you will do.'

its kind of ridiculous. the way you came in and made everything feel right. the way how when i listen to certain songs now the words seem to sum up how i hope it all goes. and how i think of you in lyrics always. its you who makes me feel like the world cant be all horrible. i dont know what it is that has you into me, in all honesty. i still feel like a shitty stupid kid. but you put this smile on these lips. and i would give up anything to keep it here. currently i am head over heels and youre definitely the best thing to come my way in a long time. i am only hoping that you keep your faith in me. because i am trying to be more than this wreck that i have been for too long. hope whatever charm you see doesnt wear off or wear you down. i want to run away with you. and know that if i ever asked that you wouldnt ask why. but when.

he said 'you make hoodies look good'

and i have run out of arguments.
still so wrong, but i am nothing if not trying.
in every sense of the word.
the rest of the world doesn't know, and fuck em if they do.
im going to keep you in my pocket for as long as you'll let me.
cant sleep cause i cant get this smile to go away.
youre just another chicago kid messing with a tourist trap(ped) heart.
time zone differences and for the first time i am ahead.
come back and catch up.

i leave a light on.

i crave privacy.
truth is.
i wish i always had someone right next to me.
to tell me it will get better.
because i cannot believe a single word i say.
the miles between us are many.
i wish you were here.
you cannot make it better.
but you can put my stupid mind at ease.
there are no words.

if it was just us forever

id still be happy.
3am calls to tell me goodnight.
and texted kisses from the midwest to the east coast.

wendy darling and peter pan.
jack skellington and sally.
me and you.
maybe not.


but maybe.

still playing make believe.

we are not grown up.
we just try to act like we are.
learn actions and thoughts through the example of others who are in turn doing the same exact thing. and the kids that act like adults who acted like adults because its so cool to be older until you really are. then you want to go back. but you cant. because time only goes forward. and in turn so do we.

chicago is the luckiest city in the whole world.
because it gets your smile for twenty six days.
the middle of the morning and the sun is deep in hiding.
secretly i will let myself believe it is because you are not here.

grey clouds looming over leaves that are taking off their summer wear.
and it would feel so much more like october if it were not eighty degrees.
three weeks away, share a day, say goodbye for a month.
truth is, i will wait, because you are worth it.
i am not sure how we work, or why we work, but we do.
and i am so grateful for it.
the world outside my window looks washed out, sick.
but less like disgusting and more like it needs a day off to get better.
into you so deep and i never saw it coming.
someone else wrote it better and gave the words to someone else to sing it better.
'im addicted to the way i feel when i think of you'
got pictures of your room so maybe i can imagine myself falling asleep.
back to crossing off days.