to feel no more bitterness forever

when you cannot stop smiling even when you want to
this is for you
think of it not so much as leaving for good
instead, we left somewhere else to make it here
and we live we laugh we learn we lust and we lose
and then we carry on to where all of it is irrelevant
and sometimes
sometimes
i cant help but wonder
do i feel bad that you left
or do i feel the sting of envy that it was not me
subtract our boldest and brilliant and toss them into the night sky
so that even our darkest nights arent quite so bad
shine on sad stars
shine on

everything about me is wrong except for you.

naked trees have limbs poked out like veins.
dried up, sharp, vulnerable.
winter rolled through and laid snow to dull the pulse of this ornamental town.
eyes wide with my jaw on the ground.
its only the things you never see that catch you off guard.
the morning will melt away the anticipation.
and by evening (we'll all) be yesterdays news.
phone calls leave me wishing i could disconnect.
the silences in between statements is just me swallowing the last of my dignity.
and one more time i am setting myself up for the flashiest character death ever.
you are the best worst thing i could have found.
and id hate you but the steel cage in my chest wont let me let you go.

its not you.

its me.
always.
you put the nail in the coffin, there were tears.
but i cant stop thinking i need to say sorry.
cant hate you.
you had me over the moon.
should have known the crash was close.

shot through the heart, and youre to blame, you give me a bad name.

i listened, but i didnt listen.
heard, but didnt process.
jealous words from a bitter ex.
or so i let myself think.
'theyll use you. theyve done it a hundred times before'
lalalala.
'they treat people like you like objects, use them until they stop serving a purpose.'
i cant hear you.
heard it from their own lips.
didnt want to believe it.
you were supposed to be better than this.
spend the night crying, couldnt even tell you why.
but you knew.
not good enough, you know, the usual.
didnt let myself think youd want to let me go.
thought wed prove them wrong.
thought id prove them wrong.
the house always wins with odds stacked so high.
the ex comes back to tell me i was better than you.
so refreshing it blew my mind.
noone stands up for me.
so the tables turn and now im talking to the ex about being broken hearted.
cut to two years ago and it was you where he was standing, listening to how the first crushed me.
what went wrong?
give till it hurts.
if it doesn't youre not doing it right.
short term girl.
its all ill ever be.
a boy with his boat will have no time for me.
lure me into a comfort zone, place heels over head, and pull the trigger.
youd think id see this coming by now.
but i never learn.
this time will be different.
this time will be different.
this time youll be different.
this time ill be different.
but the song always keeps the beat of the one before it.
get lost in a rhythm until i cant see my way out.
and i am back here.
again.
it cant be you ever, not when its so obviously me.

it's never going to end

just like it's never going to begin.
im crazy (for you).
but mostly just crazy.
i will be worse for the wear and still be stuck in the starting position.
tears in my eyes that i wont let fall because i keep telling myself im not that kind of person.
the pull on my heart when im around you, thinking about you, talking to you and replaying every second in my head with every word i wish i had said.
the breaks from you are too long and the rest of the world doesnt really interest me.
want to make you smile, want to pull the clouds away so you can see the sun.
want everything for you that ive been trying so long to do for myself but failed and clearly failing.
stopped thinking about myself for once and i like how it feels.
want you more.
want me back.
the streets and faces are mundane and words go in and out both ears before they are even processed.
the nine to fives, or late nights rather, have me wishing i could keep you in my pocket instead of the phone i keep my eyes fixed on.
when green turns blue, i cant lie, i always hope its you.
the jobs, the salary, i couldnt care less.
i spend all that time thinking about how i feel for such a mess.
didnt think i could, didnt think i would.
but true colors are the only ones that bleed.
you get what you give, and honestly, im happy with what i got.
hope you see that im still around when all the other ones are not.
this rhymed more than it should have.
im crawling into bed before the sun catches me.
im holding my breath for blue, and hoping i can make you not.

here's the (mental) break-down.

couldn't hate you if you paid me.
don't know if that is a good thing or not.
when my head is full of clouds and doubt, i look at the things we have said.
the way that you can make me feel less alone, less fucked (up).
not too sure if i am a charity case now or not.
but what's a fuck like me to do, when told that you're only all about the other person until the attention gets old, then boredom sets in.
when, by the time that i am upside down and inside out over you, you're already done.
couldn't hate you if you paid me.
you're lightning in a bottle, and i don't want to share.

Every day is like a mini-epic. We fight. We fuck. We die a bit more.

tell me you don't have any scars.
liar.
look at your mouth, the corners hide lines.
those times you couldn't stop laughing.
those times you took for granted.
look up by your eyes.
you say the lines age you, i say they define you.
carry them like badges, from all the wars endured.
you conceal them like secrets, like it reduces your value.
but you are epic, at least to me.
though that last part never mattered to anyone ever.

you sat there the other night, and said you've died no less than twice.
and that you were feeling like you could do it again.
and i couldn't stand that i couldn't bring you back.
i run the school of hard knocks, i know what it's like.
but you, you make me smile.
and i am failing if i can't return the favor.
never thought i would find someone so wrong that they're right.
want to be right. want to prove them wrong.
want what i keep telling myself i don't deserve.
want you and the world can go off its axis.
i am hanging out in outer space tonight.
want you here to share the view.

fuck what you know.

the censorship has sailed.
my hopes for the new year stored in the cargo bay.
the second between oh-seven and oh-eight, was a lonely one.
sent well wishes to the midwest, but you know noone cared.
spent the rest of the night waiting for the letdown we all knew was coming.
called it a year at five am.
cant trust myself, could i even begin to trust you?
resolutions are for people with resolve.
that are capable of change.
theres an anchor making sure i stay set in my ways.
slipped up so many times, the only view i know is the one from the floor.
you make me feel stupid, but in an 'over you' kind of way.
not bright enough(.) to walk away because apparently i like watching this heart break.
and you seem like the perfect candidate, cause everything about you seems so right.
the words, the way i can wrap myself up in you, this stupid smile you put on my face.
and i am the worst kind of person to fall for a person like you.
i will let my guard down once you set yours up.
i will spill my guts as soon as you cut me open.
i will give you my heart when you are walking away.
a permanent mess stands no chance at cleaning themselves up.
a ticking time bomb is sure to explode, its just a matter of watching the clock.
a trainwreck cant find its way to the tracks.
no matter how much i like /you/ like me, we are fucked, you and me.
short attention span meet short shelf life.
we've got a whole three hundred sixty-five to prove them right.
the thing is, i wish i stood a chance at beating the house.