my opinions arent profound. my ideas wont change the world. all the words in the world have been written too many times to spark originality. and in a few years it will all be worth even less than it is right now. but im not too bothered by it in the present which i called the future in the past.
all of the greatest moments of my life have never been the result of careful planning. schematics. bullet pointed checklists arranged from highest to lowest in terms of priority. every single shitty smile that turned up lips and bounced in my brain and shook my spine and set loose butterflies in my stomach and made my legs shake in anticipation came about when i shut my head down. lived life like my lungs were collapsing and what i did wouldnt mean anything anyways. ive met people i would never dreamed of meeting and carried conversations with people off stage. i have made friends that make my heart feel like its golden. mistakes have been made as well since no track record can be flawless. but its always been that period of time where the only thing you can do is act or react. fight or flight. all in on a shitty bluff, waiting to take the house.
ive seen the sun rise and set in different states when i used to believe all i would know was the only one id ever seen. followed stars in the sky across borders. been in moshpits at shows i never thought id ever go to. felt like frankensteins monster come to life in the crowds of pulsing bodies, soaked in sweat and singing every line like it was saving them. spoken to people and built foundations when i am too used to waiting for everyone to make their move.
hypothetical lives lost in the fires of bridges left burning, ties severed with little remorse. i sometimes look back though, and wonder, what if they could see what i have become now. would they get it? would they see a single picture and piece together the thousand words that i could never say then? probably not.
the thing is, that the spring has brought with it a reason to smile. a reason to pull myself out of a bed i so recently felt inclined to give up in. the idea that my worth is worth it to someone else. and that maybe im okay the way i am. that i dont need to change me to change a mind. and that for every fucked up thing about me that was the reason he left, and he left, and he left too, i am left wishless when it comes to dandelions because in that tiny window of act/react, i acted. and they dont care about what all the things i thought were terrible about me.
writing an i.o.u. to the universe for finally letting me see what the grass is like over there.