the stars look the same from the gutter.

everything i told myself i didnt deserve

2008-05-03T17:38:00.002-05:00

nothing but happy
sunshine and cubbies
glow in the dark smiles
waking up next to you is my favorite thing ever
committing all of this to memory
so i can tell myself one day far away
that it really happened
that i didnt dream you
and that there are moments in your life that are pretty fucking amazing
if you give up the doom and gloom once in a while.

Such a lovely day, I think I'll spend it alone.

2008-04-04T21:08:00.002-05:00

all dolled up without a ken.
i hate wishing to fall asleep in those arms
because i cant go to sleep until i am.
spoiled by the one with the hole in the wall.
heart running faster than the indy 500.
i might be a criminal but you can be my alibi.
life in slow motion all around me.
were all cogs in a clock that stopped ticking, stopped talk/tocking long ago.
wearing down our so(u)les and ending up where we began.
a million miles to nowhere and all the time in the world.
lets waste it all looking at you looking at me watching me crack under your eyes.
i never was one for compliments.
laugh. shrug it off. turn it around.
i wish i could be as genuine as you (deserve).
truth is im too busy trying to play it cool, to keep from making it sink.
youre a million wishes come true and i implode when youre nearby.
but its the brightest ive shined in a while.
you could keep me if you wanted to.
and i wouldnt even make you ask.

My twin feels like a king.

2008-03-27T06:43:00.003-05:00

When I am alone and can't hear the lullaby in your chest.
Missing your cubbyhole and the quiet and the dark.
Missing warm arms around cold ones.
Want the whispered kisses on foreheads, cheeks, and noses.
Want to wake up to you every time the sun comes up/goes down.
You make my heart feel like a hummingbird, and when you're not here, it stops.
Trying to sleep here feels like trying to sleep on a crowded freeway on the surface of the sun.
I am thinking you were made to fit me.

all im worth are a few melodies and maybe a word or two that rhyme

2008-03-21T03:10:00.002-05:00

my opinions arent profound. my ideas wont change the world. all the words in the world have been written too many times to spark originality. and in a few years it will all be worth even less than it is right now. but im not too bothered by it in the present which i called the future in the past.

all of the greatest moments of my life have never been the result of careful planning. schematics. bullet pointed checklists arranged from highest to lowest in terms of priority. every single shitty smile that turned up lips and bounced in my brain and shook my spine and set loose butterflies in my stomach and made my legs shake in anticipation came about when i shut my head down. lived life like my lungs were collapsing and what i did wouldnt mean anything anyways. ive met people i would never dreamed of meeting and carried conversations with people off stage. i have made friends that make my heart feel like its golden. mistakes have been made as well since no track record can be flawless. but its always been that period of time where the only thing you can do is act or react. fight or flight. all in on a shitty bluff, waiting to take the house.

ive seen the sun rise and set in different states when i used to believe all i would know was the only one id ever seen. followed stars in the sky across borders. been in moshpits at shows i never thought id ever go to. felt like frankensteins monster come to life in the crowds of pulsing bodies, soaked in sweat and singing every line like it was saving them. spoken to people and built foundations when i am too used to waiting for everyone to make their move.

hypothetical lives lost in the fires of bridges left burning, ties severed with little remorse. i sometimes look back though, and wonder, what if they could see what i have become now. would they get it? would they see a single picture and piece together the thousand words that i could never say then? probably not.

the thing is, that the spring has brought with it a reason to smile. a reason to pull myself out of a bed i so recently felt inclined to give up in. the idea that my worth is worth it to someone else. and that maybe im okay the way i am. that i dont need to change me to change a mind. and that for every fucked up thing about me that was the reason he left, and he left, and he left too, i am left wishless when it comes to dandelions because in that tiny window of act/react, i acted. and they dont care about what all the things i thought were terrible about me.

writing an i.o.u. to the universe for finally letting me see what the grass is like over there.

...but even if i couldn't, i'd still be happy

2008-03-15T19:53:00.000-05:00

i want to sing every old blink song with you.
i want to lay under stars and find a name for every one.
i want to kiss you until i cant kiss you anymore.
i want to see your smile in my eyelids.
i want to fall asleep next to you forever.
i want to find a song for each and everything about you that makes my head light.

i kind of don’t know how i got you, but i don’t ever want to let you go.

i dont know who you are/i am/this is, but i do know its my new favorite.

2008-03-08T18:59:00.002-05:00

a kid could get addicted to the feeling of being permanently two inches off the ground like this.
getting dizzy from the change in alt/ttitude.
flames that kept calling, kept burning again and again are a million miles away.
now its all about clinging to shirts, memorize the smell.
the spring '08 trend is all about tiptoe kisses.
so get into it.
pretty positive this shitty kid doesnt deserve someone like you.
but my fingers are crossed that the thought doesnt cross your mind.
im a bit of a mess but you dont seem to care.
the royalty of minimum wage shit jobs.
were gonna make them all jealous, just you wait.

'falling, yes i am falling, and he keeps calling, me back again..'

the clouds have shifted along with the mood

2008-02-29T02:04:00.002-05:00

dancing on the tips of my nose
eskimo kisses
hiding in cubbyholes where no one knows
im in over my head
but i cant complain
havent felt this in forever

happy

wrong wrong wrong

2008-02-18T08:04:00.002-05:00

the last thing i wanted was for you to say you were worried.
for you to care, yes.
for you to worry, no.
for the 6am phone call to express said worry, definitely not.
i stand on the fact that i had arms to stay in that night would not have happened.
but this is my fault not yours.
and now i dont know what to do.

I'm taking bets, even with the odds against me.

2008-02-13T09:44:00.002-05:00

tomorrow will be
awesome
disastrous
amazing
terrible
and i wont even think about it until the weekend.
dont stop me.
except i wish you would.

to feel no more bitterness forever

2008-01-23T10:57:00.000-05:00

when you cannot stop smiling even when you want to
this is for you
think of it not so much as leaving for good
instead, we left somewhere else to make it here
and we live we laugh we learn we lust and we lose
and then we carry on to where all of it is irrelevant
and sometimes
sometimes
i cant help but wonder
do i feel bad that you left
or do i feel the sting of envy that it was not me
subtract our boldest and brilliant and toss them into the night sky
so that even our darkest nights arent quite so bad
shine on sad stars
shine on

everything about me is wrong except for you.

2008-01-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

naked trees have limbs poked out like veins.
dried up, sharp, vulnerable.
winter rolled through and laid snow to dull the pulse of this ornamental town.
eyes wide with my jaw on the ground.
its only the things you never see that catch you off guard.
the morning will melt away the anticipation.
and by evening (we'll all) be yesterdays news.
phone calls leave me wishing i could disconnect.
the silences in between statements is just me swallowing the last of my dignity.
and one more time i am setting myself up for the flashiest character death ever.
you are the best worst thing i could have found.
and id hate you but the steel cage in my chest wont let me let you go.

its not you.

2008-01-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

its me.
always.
you put the nail in the coffin, there were tears.
but i cant stop thinking i need to say sorry.
cant hate you.
you had me over the moon.
should have known the crash was close.

shot through the heart, and youre to blame, you give me a bad name.

2008-01-16T07:17:00.000-05:00

i listened, but i didnt listen.
heard, but didnt process.
jealous words from a bitter ex.
or so i let myself think.
'theyll use you. theyve done it a hundred times before'
lalalala.
'they treat people like you like objects, use them until they stop serving a purpose.'
i cant hear you.
heard it from their own lips.
didnt want to believe it.
you were supposed to be better than this.
spend the night crying, couldnt even tell you why.
but you knew.
not good enough, you know, the usual.
didnt let myself think youd want to let me go.
thought wed prove them wrong.
thought id prove them wrong.
the house always wins with odds stacked so high.
the ex comes back to tell me i was better than you.
so refreshing it blew my mind.
noone stands up for me.
so the tables turn and now im talking to the ex about being broken hearted.
cut to two years ago and it was you where he was standing, listening to how the first crushed me.
what went wrong?
give till it hurts.
if it doesn't youre not doing it right.
short term girl.
its all ill ever be.
a boy with his boat will have no time for me.
lure me into a comfort zone, place heels over head, and pull the trigger.
youd think id see this coming by now.
but i never learn.
this time will be different.
this time will be different.
this time youll be different.
this time ill be different.
but the song always keeps the beat of the one before it.
get lost in a rhythm until i cant see my way out.
and i am back here.
again.
it cant be you ever, not when its so obviously me.

it's never going to end

2008-01-12T06:48:00.001-05:00

just like it's never going to begin.
im crazy (for you).
but mostly just crazy.
i will be worse for the wear and still be stuck in the starting position.
tears in my eyes that i wont let fall because i keep telling myself im not that kind of person.
the pull on my heart when im around you, thinking about you, talking to you and replaying every second in my head with every word i wish i had said.
the breaks from you are too long and the rest of the world doesnt really interest me.
want to make you smile, want to pull the clouds away so you can see the sun.
want everything for you that ive been trying so long to do for myself but failed and clearly failing.
stopped thinking about myself for once and i like how it feels.
want you more.
want me back.
the streets and faces are mundane and words go in and out both ears before they are even processed.
the nine to fives, or late nights rather, have me wishing i could keep you in my pocket instead of the phone i keep my eyes fixed on.
when green turns blue, i cant lie, i always hope its you.
the jobs, the salary, i couldnt care less.
i spend all that time thinking about how i feel for such a mess.
didnt think i could, didnt think i would.
but true colors are the only ones that bleed.
you get what you give, and honestly, im happy with what i got.
hope you see that im still around when all the other ones are not.
this rhymed more than it should have.
im crawling into bed before the sun catches me.
im holding my breath for blue, and hoping i can make you not.

here's the (mental) break-down.

2008-01-09T03:15:00.000-05:00

couldn't hate you if you paid me.
don't know if that is a good thing or not.
when my head is full of clouds and doubt, i look at the things we have said.
the way that you can make me feel less alone, less fucked (up).
not too sure if i am a charity case now or not.
but what's a fuck like me to do, when told that you're only all about the other person until the attention gets old, then boredom sets in.
when, by the time that i am upside down and inside out over you, you're already done.
couldn't hate you if you paid me.
you're lightning in a bottle, and i don't want to share.

Every day is like a mini-epic. We fight. We fuck. We die a bit more.

2008-01-06T05:09:00.001-05:00

tell me you don't have any scars.
liar.
look at your mouth, the corners hide lines.
those times you couldn't stop laughing.
those times you took for granted.
look up by your eyes.
you say the lines age you, i say they define you.
carry them like badges, from all the wars endured.
you conceal them like secrets, like it reduces your value.
but you are epic, at least to me.
though that last part never mattered to anyone ever.

you sat there the other night, and said you've died no less than twice.
and that you were feeling like you could do it again.
and i couldn't stand that i couldn't bring you back.
i run the school of hard knocks, i know what it's like.
but you, you make me smile.
and i am failing if i can't return the favor.
never thought i would find someone so wrong that they're right.
want to be right. want to prove them wrong.
want what i keep telling myself i don't deserve.
want you and the world can go off its axis.
i am hanging out in outer space tonight.
want you here to share the view.

fuck what you know.

2008-01-02T05:01:00.000-05:00

the censorship has sailed.
my hopes for the new year stored in the cargo bay.
the second between oh-seven and oh-eight, was a lonely one.
sent well wishes to the midwest, but you know noone cared.
spent the rest of the night waiting for the letdown we all knew was coming.
called it a year at five am.
cant trust myself, could i even begin to trust you?
resolutions are for people with resolve.
that are capable of change.
theres an anchor making sure i stay set in my ways.
slipped up so many times, the only view i know is the one from the floor.
you make me feel stupid, but in an 'over you' kind of way.
not bright enough(.) to walk away because apparently i like watching this heart break.
and you seem like the perfect candidate, cause everything about you seems so right.
the words, the way i can wrap myself up in you, this stupid smile you put on my face.
and i am the worst kind of person to fall for a person like you.
i will let my guard down once you set yours up.
i will spill my guts as soon as you cut me open.
i will give you my heart when you are walking away.
a permanent mess stands no chance at cleaning themselves up.
a ticking time bomb is sure to explode, its just a matter of watching the clock.
a trainwreck cant find its way to the tracks.
no matter how much i like /you/ like me, we are fucked, you and me.
short attention span meet short shelf life.
we've got a whole three hundred sixty-five to prove them right.
the thing is, i wish i stood a chance at beating the house.

my heart may not be dynamite, but this kids gonna make it explode.

2007-12-28T02:43:00.000-05:00

i think i have run out of things to say about you.
on whichever side you would like.
its kind of like being a kid at a carnival and seeing that one toy that you beg and beg and beg for, until your parents get really angry about and want to get it for you just so you'll shut up.
im kind of all about you if you havent noticed.
your jet-lagged sleepy headed voice in my ear makes a bad day do an about face.
your time traveling ways into snowed out cities just gives me one more reason to count down a few more days.
and the cards that the universe deals you makes me wish a hug could make it all go away.
but even if it could, weve got a time zone between us.
but you know me, and how it goes, ill be over here on my coast, still going stupid for you and still hoping youll lose just a little bit of your sense for me.

i'm about two steps away from where i need to be (give or take)

2007-12-24T02:33:00.000-05:00

party monster is a totally underrated movie.

everything feels like square pegs being shoved into round slots.
nothing fits.
keep seeing people as little more than apes with paychecks.
my perception is off, but is it really.
the ones who can see the wheels we run in everyday are the first ones we call crazy.
do we count the steps back on the road of evolution.
we live fastlane lives so we can leave decorated corpses.
in the ocean of media, noone will even remember you if you can't be bothered to make a splash.
on a scale from mother theresa to hitler, where will your mark be plotted.
where will my mark fall.

short sleeve winters and rained out christmases.
i was born in the wrong climate.
i cant find my cheer.
the joy of the season alludes me.
the tree, the lights, the decorations, the songs, nothing gets to me.
traded in my hopes of a white winter for a season full of blues.

i need to get out of here.
this city, my head, my monotony, its all the same.
spike my drink with spirit cause i am all out.

'is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?'

2007-12-16T07:31:00.000-05:00

did you take me back or did i let you take me back.
not too sure.
this seasonal depression, because i forget the medical term, is overstaying its welcome.
maybe it's because the most i can ever hope for is rain.
white christmas' went out when warmer weather settled in.
we've got umbrellas and puddles while they've got cocoa and snowballs.
none of this feels right.
it's similar to trying on that pair of shoes you've kept for no reason other than they remind you of a different time, a different you.
and that sadness that creeps in when you realize you'll never be able to squeeze into them no matter how much you tell yourself that it doesnt hurt.
all the trees in the world are lit up, if not with lights then with leaves.
and i can't find an ounce of cheer.
promise i wont be mad if you whispered it in my ear.

string me along like those christmas lights.

2007-12-05T02:41:00.000-05:00

id be willing to believe whatever you wanted to tell me.
hearts are made to be broken, not bruised or bent.
the air is bitter, like the mood was last week.
been trying to keep all of your sweetest words close at hand.
leave it to me to spill my guts right after you put us on ice.
ill wait because its the only thing i am good at.
back stabbers and best friends are an awkward phone call away.
he could be both, but don't listen to him.

'the only downside to being head over heels

2007-11-29T06:28:00.000-05:00

is that it makes putting your foot in your mouth easier'

writing love letters to naked trees.

2007-11-28T06:12:00.000-05:00

its all about color.
branches filled with violent red leaves, daring to jump, itching to depart.
it's only always going to end up under foot.
crunched up and unimportant when they fade into brown.
but they have their glory intact.

give me a perfect situation and i will always find a way to screw it up.
i am skilled in thwarting the most divine plans.

some people will work towards exhaustion to sneak in a sucker punch.
when youre head over heels, it doesnt really hurt when your jaw hits the floor.
the issues may be justified, but the retaliation is simply unfair.
i call your attacks futile because i refuse to change course to please someone who saw fit to tear me apart all that time ago.

give it up kid. i am not budging.
and dont you dare even the playing field by turning players against each other.

what am i thankful for?

2007-11-23T05:24:00.000-05:00

him.
new friends.
late nights.
full moons.
sleepyheads.
4am texts.
music.
but mostly right now him.
and how i cannot wait to see him again.

I've got autumn in my hair, I'm all about fall(ing).

2007-11-12T04:49:00.000-05:00

I've severed myself from the family tree.
It doesn't get to me. Much.
It's a weird feeling not feeling a part of anything.
The world keeps spinning and days keep melting away, whether I am a part of it or just apart from it.
Somewhere along the way, I have lost my identity.
And have taken to looking at the bottom of bottles for answers.
Dye and drinks, it's all the same, no matter how you spin it.
If you can't find yourself, the endless possibilities will never fully satisfy.
Artificially colored roots won't distance you from the real ones.
All the hours before that well earned hangover won't help you forget.
It's something that lives in the back of your mind, despite all your best efforts.
It'll be what drives you to insanity, unless of course, you're already there.
Here's to those doctors, working away in labs, to make up the milligrams to make this hurt less.

'we bring ourselves down'

2007-11-08T03:46:00.000-05:00

it feels like everything is on a reality induced delay.
like never really being in the moment because by the time you get there, everything is in boxes and everyone has already gone home.
fashionably late to life.
you could blame it on traffic, but these feet dont ever really stop.
like putting miles between me and the world without leaving my house.
veins pumping with adrenaline but my head is heavy.
the only thought in my mind when i hit the pillow as the sun comes up, is how perfect it would be if i never got back up.
but there is a single person who makes me feel terrible for thinking it in the first place.
i invest too much into the people who make me smile, and theyre usually the ones that turn my smile upside down.
accepting the fact that change is impossible.
i am stuck in my routine.
twelve steps behind everybody else.

i put the 'tense' in pretense.

2007-11-03T04:33:00.000-05:00

i am hardly as eloquent as i would like to pretend i am.
more naive than you would think, and less exciting than the rumors that sit lazily on the tips of gossip lips.
i have been trying too long to outline my gray clouds with silver sharpies.
looking for good that cannot be found.
in everything and everyone.
we are all second place in the human race.
designed with failure in mind.
we settle for silver, and woefully resign.
secondhand sympathy and artificial apathy.
our hearts and minds are balanced always by the mighty milligram.
we grow and branch like weeds.
overtaking anything we can.
we infect hearts and poison lives.
i cant find my place anymore.
not too sure i knew my place to begin with.
cant put my feet on anything real.
slipping through the cracks sounds like a dream vacation.
need more than this.
need to be more than this.
but this world is a place that takes until there is nothing left to take.
when you have nothing to more to give, then you are noone.
and noone ever gave a shit about a nobody.
i want to sleep for a million years and wake up when it doesnt suck anymore.
or maybe by then i will suck less.
i am a day to day minimum wage zombie with a penchant for being a convenient doormat.
but noone cares about the kid with nothing interesting to say.

2007-10-31T02:35:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wonder about my place in this life.
why i refuse to talk to some people and why i will endlessly find my way back into the lives of people that have made me sad.
one could say i am a sucker for disappointment, but i like to think that they are wrong.
sometimes it takes walking back into the fire that one extra time to get that flame inside you reignited.
i think i found someone who makes me happy.
who makes the smiles feel real.
cause i am smiling thinking about them when they are nowhere near me.
i dont know why exactly i am on this current path, what i did to get here, or how i ended up the way that i did. if i had the chance to do it all from the start, i wouldnt change anything, just maybe keep better notes.
someone who was once close to me is in a home now. and there is a full scale war waging in my heart. looking back, i can find all the mistakes that were made along the way, point out flaws and their ripple effects, but i cannot find it in me to go back.
like i am confident in my decision, but if time is not good to this person, i will feel terrible for the rest of my life. i am an often inconsiderate person. some might say selfish, i would like to think they are wrong. absence and ignorance is the only way i know to deal with obstacles that make me hurt inside. and guilt from people who are two faced does little to make me change my mind.
as this person fades, my head is being torn apart.
you cannot go home once you have left.
i am truly lost, and thank the universe for giving me someone who can try and put these thoughts at rest.
i am a terrible person, or so they have said. but i would like to make you believe that they are wrong. even if i cannot convince myself of this.

the truth is...

2007-10-24T02:40:00.000-05:00

i am finding myself completely fond of you.
you might have noticed.
when i forget to talk on the phone.
ive never had any cinematic moments, but maybe, right before you let me go when youre about to fall asleep.
the sound of your voice and the way each sentence feels sleepy.
maybe. just maybe.
i think you made the whole world melt away.
and i think i made sure to make a note of it.
excuse the lack of eloquence no doubt expected here.
the sides of my skull are threatening to cave in.
i hate headaches and miss you.
and here we are.

'noone else but you will do.'

2007-10-20T05:17:00.000-05:00

its kind of ridiculous. the way you came in and made everything feel right. the way how when i listen to certain songs now the words seem to sum up how i hope it all goes. and how i think of you in lyrics always. its you who makes me feel like the world cant be all horrible. i dont know what it is that has you into me, in all honesty. i still feel like a shitty stupid kid. but you put this smile on these lips. and i would give up anything to keep it here. currently i am head over heels and youre definitely the best thing to come my way in a long time. i am only hoping that you keep your faith in me. because i am trying to be more than this wreck that i have been for too long. hope whatever charm you see doesnt wear off or wear you down. i want to run away with you. and know that if i ever asked that you wouldnt ask why. but when.

he said 'you make hoodies look good'

2007-10-16T01:57:00.000-05:00

and i have run out of arguments.
still so wrong, but i am nothing if not trying.
in every sense of the word.
the rest of the world doesn't know, and fuck em if they do.
im going to keep you in my pocket for as long as you'll let me.
cant sleep cause i cant get this smile to go away.
youre just another chicago kid messing with a tourist trap(ped) heart.
time zone differences and for the first time i am ahead.
come back and catch up.

i leave a light on.

2007-10-09T03:01:00.000-05:00

i crave privacy.
truth is.
i wish i always had someone right next to me.
to tell me it will get better.
because i cannot believe a single word i say.
the miles between us are many.
i wish you were here.
you cannot make it better.
but you can put my stupid mind at ease.
there are no words.

if it was just us forever

2007-10-08T02:02:00.000-05:00

id still be happy.
3am calls to tell me goodnight.
and texted kisses from the midwest to the east coast.

wendy darling and peter pan.
jack skellington and sally.
me and you.
maybe not.

but maybe.

still playing make believe.

2007-10-05T06:31:00.000-05:00

we are not grown up.
we just try to act like we are.
learn actions and thoughts through the example of others who are in turn doing the same exact thing. and the kids that act like adults who acted like adults because its so cool to be older until you really are. then you want to go back. but you cant. because time only goes forward. and in turn so do we.

chicago is the luckiest city in the whole world.
because it gets your smile for twenty six days.
the middle of the morning and the sun is deep in hiding.
secretly i will let myself believe it is because you are not here.

grey clouds looming over leaves that are taking off their summer wear.
and it would feel so much more like october if it were not eighty degrees.
three weeks away, share a day, say goodbye for a month.
truth is, i will wait, because you are worth it.
i am not sure how we work, or why we work, but we do.
and i am so grateful for it.
the world outside my window looks washed out, sick.
but less like disgusting and more like it needs a day off to get better.
into you so deep and i never saw it coming.
someone else wrote it better and gave the words to someone else to sing it better.
'im addicted to the way i feel when i think of you'
got pictures of your room so maybe i can imagine myself falling asleep.
back to crossing off days.

wheres the kid with the chemicals?

2007-09-28T02:10:00.000-05:00

i miss them too much.
bury myself in work so maybe the days will go faster.
but it feels like they are crawling.
sunrise bedtimes
my inner child is jealous.
wasting time trying to see people to fill missing places.
its not the same.
those that are motivated by selfish intentions i tend to let down.
maybe its a matter of you didnt try when you had your shot.
maybe its a matter of i dont want to be like that anymore.
because someone is making me want to be better.
figured this would be a foreign feeling forever.
maybe its just lucky.
misguided fortune that just got stuck with me.
but no time for complaints.
i only want to work through the weekend because itll get me closer to them.
oh impatience.
bring those arms back.
electronic sentiment doesnt feel the same.

dear you.

2007-09-20T01:39:00.001-05:00

spare me some sunshine sir.
they never taught happiness in school.
and if they did, it was one of the days i ditched.
skip to the back of the book and tell me how this all ends.
if the current is perpetual or just a passing phase that doesnt know how to leave graciously.
if ill ever stop hanging on the end of their sentences looking for a deeper meaning that was never even there.
five minutes of your time.
just give me a sign.
the clouds are getting to be too much in my head.

want you.

2007-09-19T01:22:00.000-05:00

you could argue that its perfect almost.
fourteen days here. fourteen days there.
roughly.
rinse and rinse. repeat.
just enough time to remind one why hearts grow fonder when the other is away.
already out the door when routine settles in.
milestones are vague at best.
theyve got you finding your conscience at crucial checkpoints.
theyve got that smile making a comeback.
theyve got you x-ing off days on calendars.
and that short shelf life you go on and on about, works here.
when youre saving every second, smile and hug, theres not enough time left to let down your guard.
cant break down. cant crack. dont crack.
the thoughts cant reach you until youve said goodbye again.
if only you could follow the advice you give others.
see the worth in yourself that you swear is non existant.
see the world the way you preach it when someone else has a bad day.
but youve said the same thing to everyone else that when it comes to you, its recycled and far from comforting.
and the big bad sadness comes back.
if there were a pill to make this all go away, youd be at the front of the line.
but reality gets in the way of living and youve got a collection of small victories that amount to nothing in the end.
and when you think youre almost out, a letter from a ghost finds its way to you and pulls you back in.
you cant let yourself feel good because youre too busy being reminded why youll never be good enough.
read between the li(n)es and find yourself a fraud.
take the light off you cause the attention you want so badly burns once you have it.
and the heat intensifies the weight of your every decision.
its all coming apart, but youve got your smile on a shelf until that someone comes back.
and you can put this all on ice for awhile.
youre never gonna get it kid.
and maybe youre not meant to after all.

sit down and get stood up.

2007-09-07T23:57:00.001-05:00

the only thing that ever changes is the face of the clock.
i am just as stupid as ever, in case anyone had concerns.
break my heart and i will keep you around because thats just how i am.
i couldnt quit a goddamn person, place, or thing.
stockpile friends and memories because it cushions the fall.
and remembering what i had is better than what has been taken away.
the glory days of road trips and carelessness are leaving holding hands with the warm temperatures.
heard worried thoughts and accusations from someone who knows me better than i know me, which isnt saying much for either party.
turns out im not just a shitty person in my own eyes, good to know i suppose.
coming up on a decade long anniversary, but its not something to celebrate as much as reflect.
i seem to do that alot these days.
like how i am who i am because of every single face i have ever seen, every heart that gave me a second of their time, and each word cutting away and shaping all my thoughts.
inversely, i am who i am from every person whose time i could not afford, whose hand i could reach far enough to hold, and every knife that has found a home in my back.
my heart is in someone elses hands and i have no control.
done so well for so long, i/t cant last.
the whispers and voices that cant be put to faces are the ones that live in my head.
they bring down my face value.
i wont be good enough for anyone if im not good enough for myself.
and (whoevers)god bless the ones that try anyways.
goodnight moon.

twenty two candles, one for each year.

2007-09-05T01:17:00.000-05:00

theres not enough cake in the world to hold a candle for each tear.
its your birthday baby girl.
keep your head up today.
dont forget to breathe.
presence over presents.
cant have one and wont get the other.
keep breaking their expectations kid.
lace up your gloves for another three-six-five fight nights.
noone could say they saw this coming, not even you.
but cant you say that maybe youre a little happy?
make a wish.
say goodnight.

this is where the protagonist has the 'pseudo breakdown' in that one movie.

2007-08-30T21:41:00.000-05:00

every night i take apart my head.
replay each second, every decision.
what i said and what i should have said.
what i did and what i could have done.
finding myself feeling less(real) and more(disconnected).
the stupidest equation and i am lacking the solution.
deaf ears and blind eyes have me pulling hair.
pulled a kilamanjaro today and at some point just stopped.
couldnt care if you paid me to.
shut myself down like software.
misery loves company, but sits at a table for one.
told him i was completely miserable, dead eyes and deadpan.
sometimes i think its this city that has my head so sick.
but then again it might just be my head ruining the simpli-city.
another him called me just to say good night.
throws me off course to see someone so pleasant.
like a sour patch kid like me could catch his eye ever.
sometimes maybe im over the top, a walking self contained blast zone.
for those with tickets to the show i cant say that it will be worth your time.
the minuteshoursdays are nonrefundable but its nice to see you in the seats.
im making my mark in the form of circles in dirt paths.
but im not the kind of kid thats going to go anywhere.
ive got big dreams but no license to drive.
im terrified to see the wreck ill be in another three hundred sixty five.
i miss how easy i used to think it was going to be.
writing letters to my innocence on postcards marked wish you/i were/nt here.
i take my head apart every night
and come morning im missing yet another piece.
carbon copy the process until theres nothing left to deconstruct.

'im just the way that the doctors made me'

2007-08-28T04:41:00.000-05:00

i am forever trying to find magic.
enchantment in the mundane.
meaning that means more than this.
something bigger than you, me and all these wide eyed early morning dreams.
stare at the sky until it feels like the stars are moving.
the day starts in about four hours and i am still stuck in yesterday.
dear you,
i miss you.
i think of you everytime i see a star that shines brighter than the others.
the doom and gloom kid and forever smiling boy.
its crazy. its not meant to work.
but youve got the corners curling.
down the street or down the coast.
doesnt matter how far away if youre not right here.
id call and say goodnight, but youre already gone.

leave bread crumbs on the ground

2007-08-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

so i can find my way back.
i am forever pounding pavement.
looking for a reason.
sometimes i feel like i am not a person.
nothing at all.
a seat filler simply occupying space while the world is spinning without me.
i am living a stop motion life.
one would think i would be able to make this work.
one would be wrong.
i dont know what i am doing anymore.
today into tomorrow into the weekend back to two days ago.
the clocks tick a little louder when youre keeping track of where all the secondminuteshours go.
oh what a waste of a life.
i cherish nothing but smiles and memories that may have been edited to make for happy thoughts that were never real in the first place.
i dont know how to grow up so please stop telling me to do so.
toys r us kid.
constant disarray and im finding my place inside it.
this takes time.
i take time.
i am sorry for being so trying.
truly.

theres no 'i' in team, but there is in quit.

2007-08-21T22:58:00.000-05:00

walked home in the rain tonight but it looked like armageddon.
the light show that preceded it was pretty awesome.
everything got soaked and i sit here with crossed fingers that the sidekick recovers.
its always either stormy or sunny this time of year.
you can set your clocks by the way one stops and the other stops.
beachfront living. killer views but im only always looking up.
lights off is how it should be sometimes. black outs without bottles.
theres a veritable calm in between the rounds of thunder that shake walls.
i think it might just be me though. noone else seems to catch on to it.
as cars raced to get to point b or maybe point a (the idea of freeways made my head spin as a kid. like if i was on one side assumed that everyone was going and the cars on the other side were all coming. i couldnt see it any other way. weird.) and i was screaming along to my ipod and laughing at cars.
society gets annoyed by natural occurrences like the world should know better than to rain when theyre driving.
but then people should know better than to blindly destroy a world that has given so much without expecting repayment .
an old man saw me smoking the other day and he said 'those'll kill you'
and all i could say back was 'we're not all trying to live to be eighty'
im an asshole for sure, but it made sense to me.

and again i am alone.

2007-08-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

noone does it better than me. i am the traveling circus. a one man show of shock and awe. get a good seat before they are all gone. i keep losing the part where i am supposed to be caring. dropping words that wont go back in. i write in pen only so i dont have to bother with erasing. i am clumsy in person and in thought. and i am nothing if not incomplete. trying to build this life into something more comfortable but often i wonder about the value of ever leaving my bed. throwing everything into working and getting hours so i can get money that i will have no clue what to do with. maybe buy new pants from where pockets have burned. updates everywhere. i am trying to become a version two point whatever, remove myself from this. it never works. an addict with an impressive relapse record. like why bother trying when hope seems hollow and help is rarely ever just that. im not kicking any buckets, just dirt. to and from. always. i want to get away from everything here. reminders of who i was, who i am and who i will be. the history is in every face i dodge on the street. and everytime i am recognized, i am amazed how someone could remember this kid who cant ever get their self straight. i am tired and tired of this soundtrack. flip it over, cause i am dying to live away from the mainstream. i want cutting room floor days and bside nights. im thinking of someone and im still not sure why.

shooting stars.

2007-08-13T02:01:00.000-05:00

crashing the gates of government property in search of the perfect pitch black. meteor showers left me staring into infinity. tonight was designed for something amazing. got to feel my problems melt away even if only for a little bit. in a world full of predictability my eyes were wide trying to not blink and miss a second. i live for this. the magic. the enchantment that hits you once the lights of the city have become little more than a haze in the distance. a million miles up was where the action was. the awkwardness of situations i cant help but keep walking into, doom and danger and dread that kept me up this morning couldnt touch me tonight. i am in love with laying on playground slides, background music suppplied by crickets and not having to say a single word. i wished for you and hope you got to see even one. this town has me longing for something more private, more dimly lit and closer to wherever you are. i could lay under a sky this perfect forever.

turn the lights off carry me home.

2007-08-09T00:40:00.000-05:00

i want to be a stranger in a strange city. i want to go where noone knows my name. the past and present dictate our futures and the circles you used to run in will eventually overlap with the current. and the people you thought you would never see again will come back around for a shot to see you in a new light. soon enough it all becomes a six-degrees-of-separation matter. gossip fuels fires and secrets are kindling to keep it going. and the memories that got twisted into something to cherish are dusted off. sometimes color can kill a perfect black and white picture. reputation is everything and everyone wants a piece to call their own.
i am finding more reasons to smile. this is a good thing. and happens not alot.
the possibility of a new job has got my stomach doing flips.
and new/old people coming back has me nervous, for reasons both known and unknown.
im uncharacteristically optimistic currently and trying to savor it.
waiting by the phone is less lame if the phone is in a pocket.
but im still waiting nonetheless.

nothing you could hold onto, but everything youd hold long enough to change

2007-08-06T01:10:00.000-05:00

when i see enough of someone, anyone, i find part of myself trying to convince the other part that the person is really real. more like a 'how can you exist' as opposed to 'you are not real'. if that makes any sense. it does to me. maybe that should be the gauge for how well we could relate. if you get it, we'll be awesome. if not, we should just part ways. but then thered be the people that said they did, even if they didnt, just to see what was at the end of the tunnel. btu its not as rewarding as you may have led yourself to believe. fire you hype people, theyre spreading lies and blowing sunken ships out of the water. but that probably isnt ringing too clear either. i keep going in circles and i am never getting anywhere. its the only reason im a month away from twentytwo already. going in circles will put miles on the spedometers but when its all said and done, youre still where you started. blow out the candles and make a wish for me. im into using other peoples luck lately, as mine cant get much worse.

youd ask to borrow two cents if they were the pennies covering my eyes.

2007-07-31T23:17:00.000-05:00

someone out there has made me believe in magic again.
head still foggy but the hearts beating a little lighter.
roomates have me feeling like a casualty, a calamity.
whisper in other rooms, but you know i hear every word.
sell me out when my value is low, but you love me for all the cents i make.
tell me otherwise and i will call you a liar.
this is nothing more than a parasitic, sometimes mutualistic relationship.
unhealthy just like every other thing in my life.
theres a fresh breath coming in from off the water, or wherever he is right now.
it wasnt supposed to play out like this. but here we are.
take my troubles with you and throw them over the edge so noone has to be bothered with them ever again.
i want you here now.

remember to feel real.

2007-07-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

short fused. hard headed. weak willed. keep calling me psycho like it will change anything. like it will make me want to change. keep finding myself giving second and third chances to the people that had me written off from the get go. it gets old being always on the verge of throwing punches. failure is flattering but the poorest form of imitation. you would think id be acclimated to the fact that i am surrounded by idiots and not always just when im on the clock. dumb myself down or attempt to educate. neither sounds too appealing. armor for sleep is singing my anthem right now and there is noone around who gets it at all. so tired of trying to make excuses for things that should not have to be excused. i want to write every single word of every single song that has ever meant a thing to me just so i have my own way of feeling more connected to life. simply because sometimes singing it doesnt feel real enough to me. or maybe i am just envious of the hands that can brings minds out of shadows and into this world out of familiarity. someone please tell me how theres a birthday on the horizon that i never saw coming. how im working a job i promised id quit though i never made my reasoning clear. how im falling into arms of someone that a former flame tried pushing me into when the fire was still burning. nothing makes sense and i cannot help but dwell on the small things. id kill to find ease. put my problems to scale and theyre pretty fucking unimportant in the grander scheme. but that leaves me feeling smaller than i currently do. and that only results in remembering childhood nightmares that i keep trying to forget. dont make sense of this. i dont need another critic that gets something i cannot grasp. its going to be a long night but this is where the keyboard stops.

the valley of temptation has been deforested.

2007-07-19T19:55:00.000-05:00

i like who i should not like, who i am told to not like. "you always go for the ones that make you feel like shit first". funny how some people will always be willing to drag up the past when you are focusing on the future. and vice versa. a contributor to misery when the past wasnt quite yet. everyone against me, placed on trial for poor decisions based on alcohol volume. found a higher road and mended a fence along the way. if i could do it all again, id pick the other party. he's got me stuck with a permanent smile and all i hear is the blah blah blah from the bystanders. itd be nice if more people would stand by me than just standby. im by far the least likely to be girlfriend material and i am still unsure what he sees in me that i cant ever see on my own, or why he finds my flaws quirky. but hes got me blushing and gushing and weve whispered words of exclusivity and how he doesnt want to share me with anyone. its got my heart beating just a little faster and my head spinning a little more than usual. i dont know what to call it, but right now, i dont think it needs to be named. im currently content and its a rarity. id do anything not to fuck this up, as is my nature. not sure who reads this and who doesnt but if you do, id rather not know. just conclude that im thinking about you.

picking up four leaf clovers cleverly located under ladders

2007-07-13T22:11:00.000-05:00

restrictions and limitations are ideas that tear my head up inside. getting called out is okay but theres no point in doing it if its done just to be done. misplaced cans other menial bullshit just pushes me further and further inside. id fight it if i could (i know i could) but the mediator is biased and im a disposable variable at the end of the day. placing leaves over the holes i have dug for myself so i can still be caught off guard once in a while. i know what youre going to say before your lips even move. you have been stereotyped in every single aspect. whats truly funny to me is how they all love to talk behind backs and closed eyes and grandstand about how well they know me. i wish theyd let me in on the details i am too dense to catch on to. spent the last few days tearing up carpets and smoothing over the rough edges. laying new foundation on something that is too damaged to be fixed with whiteout. it only feels like i do not belong here because i know that i do not. but the cost of living is high and this is the only place that can accomodate my lack of drive that supplies me with my meager earnings that dwindle quicker when the needs of others surpass my own. one day i feel like i will feel like i belong somewhere. not even my pillow is inviting anymore. just a reminder that once i visit i will have to leave to work. no fun makes me a dull girl. and the only fun i have is when i am doing things i know i shouldnt be.
its such a cliche to say that i am utterly hopeless but i am throwing my own pity party so leave your opinions at the door if youre going to come in for the tea.
as days of unluck go, this one was a bust. i wanted to be tested someway and just got let down again. how typical.

years later, the truth would surface that the cd player was empty the whole time.

2007-07-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

if i could never take off the earphones, i think that i would be happier. get kind of weird when the subject turns off of music and into reality. im pretty bad at doing the whole being a productive member of society. but i am shock value. i say what you wont because i simply do not care if someone i do not know hears something unpleasing to their egos. i am an infomercial. i want you to want what i am selling. but the target audience is disinterested. my heart is only on my sleeve because i am trying to keep an eye on it these days. but sometimes it still sneaks out when i am busy looking over my shoulder to see if youre watching me. in the time spent not trying to sleep or trying to channel my inner monologue onto keyboards or notebooks, i let my mind wander. like how it would be cool to have an evil twin. see things through different eyes but still the same headspace. but maybe itd be more like the good twin. cause im not too good at doing the right thing when it counts. and ive got eyes watching me everytime i fuck up. bad press is not good press when youre not looking for any press at all. i want to fall in love, but only in increments. love and life on layaway plans, but ive got shitty credit and might be better off with empty pockets.

i saw hell today. it was hot.

2007-07-08T00:44:00.000-05:00

clocks stuck in molasses. it should be days from now or at least it feels like it.
spent the night analyzing the self with an old friend. and its not even two.
always too fast or too slow but never what you want.
i owe someone some chicken noodle soup tomorrow, if it ever gets here.

when we hugged, a lone bird dropped out of the sky. we havent hugged since.

2007-07-07T00:13:00.000-05:00

when i die, bury me with my hoodie (the only one that means anything) and my headphones..

"you should be a comedian" "too bad i've got killer stage fright"

2007-06-28T23:08:00.000-05:00

back to hitting walls. purple knuckles are my way of telling you "not yet". and i could get away from it all if i could make all the ringing stop. poor feedback. planes dont ever stop. biting backs bitter words and the taste in my mouth makes me sick. there have been kingdoms and empires built on a single lie. and one truth sends bricks tumbling. reality versus everything else, and i am putting every last dime on the latter. everything in my head makes so much more sense then everything in front of these eyes. if you think its bad now, just wait until the summer sun gets put in a box. leaves wont be the only thing falling, kid. keeping secrets from all of them, fresh fallacies for fresh faces. my will is concrete until a pair of eyes breaks me down. so much for that. ive got friends but they are mostly a vowel too many for something i have in high volume. full moons keep me wired. open interpretation. the most fun ive had on my phone is when i dont have to say a single word. you are my favorite thing about this shitty city right now.

somewhere in the vicinity of ow.

2007-06-27T19:00:00.000-05:00

thats where my ear is right now.
i am super good at pushing things that probably should not be pushed.
wanting what i should not want, saying what should not be said.
spent the night yelling over planes sharing the stars and moon(shine) and trading insults with him.
no matter how bad it sounds, it was really one of my best nights.
but its a total hushhush situation.
keeping company on a need-to-know basis.
you may not have noticed that i am currently head over heels.
definitely his fault, not mine.

"were gonna bury this town alive..."

2007-06-25T00:37:00.000-05:00

the kind of kid who looks gift horses in the mouth. its not the luck thats bad more like the intentions, which are never too clear in the first place. preach professionalism but lie cheat and steal to get by. but it was never supposed to be like this. heart of gold but the maintenance is killer. the story is always different depending on who you ask. civility becomes malicious when backs are turned. what do you do when you realize that your surroundings effect you and tear away at your ideals leaving you just as h(ope)elpless as everyone else. baby youve got more faults than san andreas. you are thin ice and everyday has got you cracking a little more. one in a million but less like standing out and more like another face in the crowd. your best days are behind you but i would break my back to build you a home out of every moment that made you smile. fight wars to get that light back in your eyes (and find my way home again). bury bodies and dream up alibis to make you okay. and you say that you are not worth it, except that you are, to someone. there is a pile of wishes in the corner waiting to be dusted off and revisited. boxes of feelings you packed up long ago convinced they were no longer needed that are dying to be opened. sun kissed cheeks kissing his under the atlanta sun. a million miles away give or take never felt so safe. come back down, come back home. routine settles in like the hoodie you couldnt take off when you were gone. compared it to being in a dream but awake the whole time, like too good to be true and too good for you. currently: sharing backyards and stars with someone new, but only in whispers and texts behind backs. because friends that cannot have you to themselves are disenchanted with the idea of sharing you with their friends. fall asleep on couches and wake up on floors. funny how one person makes your foundation crumble. how a single set of eyes turns all your thoughts around. and how butterflies find their way back the same time you hear from them. you are a natural disaster, and it is all you know. the path of destruction can be found in the hearts you leave broken, and the ties that you sever along the way. but youve got such a one track mind that it wont even matter until long after the fact. precious like a pretty rock, but your flaws make you the worst diamond ever. even though, i would still slip you on my finger if it meant keeping you close.

read this back in the morning and hate every line. it always makes more sense at night. forever the night(mare)time kid.

like sands through the hourglass...

2007-06-18T02:18:00.001-05:00

everything about the last week has been amazing.
more than i bargained for indeed.
too proud when i say it hasnt gotten old.
the weirdest feeling is coming home to a place you cannot stand and getting excited at seeing your own stars under your own sky again.
i honestly did not want to be back here, but now that i am, maybe i can egin to breathe easier.
its been magic mostly.
new faces are incredible and new friends are twenty four karat.
keep telling myself that its not my life until it makes sense.
for the first time, i mean this in the best way ever.
back to the old grind in a few hours.
if this fades i dont know what i will do.

biting my tongue to get the taste of you out of my mouth.

2007-06-09T02:27:00.000-05:00

tear another page out of the calendar.
and another.
and another.
monkey wrench in the gears of the best plan ever.
hope it turns out okay.
i think no matter what my id card reads, ill never get this growing up thing down.
my life is in everyones hands but my own.
stories safety-pinned to every piece.
maybe one day ill sit down and read them all and laugh.
the sooner i leave the better.
and i know i have to come back, come down, but just for a little bit i am pretending that i do not.

sunset. saturday. sweat.

2007-06-07T01:43:00.000-05:00

when the song hits your brain at the right moment, it feels like magic.
and it was.
this makes no sense.
its about to get amazing.
sleep cant catch me tonight.

i.o.u (a better title).

2007-06-05T19:46:00.000-05:00

new friends are golden.
twenty four karat even.
hopping state lines fighting crowds and singing every word.
its got me glowing.
thank you so much.
i cannot wait.

summer showers and silver linings.

2007-06-04T21:51:00.000-05:00

steam rolling off the ground.
like science fiction resized for the wide eyes of the world.
i want to fall in love with anyone who would stand by me when the sky falls around us.
hold hands, listen for heartbeats in between rolling thunder and rolling eyes.
theres room to spare under this umbrella.
but this won't make sense and maybe it shouldn't in the first place.
so lets fast forward to the second.

i put the ass in assasin and im putting out a hit on myself.

2007-06-02T01:31:00.000-05:00

everyday i see the person i am supposed to be.
and each time i walk the opposite way.
do not want to be awake in the morning.
and late night charm is starting to crack.
looking for someone to spend the graveyard shift watching stars with me instead of just talking about them.
'you hear it first' but the news broke days ago.
hot people and hot rooms had colors blurring today.
antisocial. claustrophobic. a little off. maybe.
pulled back my skin so the world could see my wounds.
the end result; ''disenchanted'', said like i would not get it.
just a sad song with nothing to say...(to you).
the public viewing has become a private affair.
and you cannot blame them for not catching the meaning.
i don't make much sense these days.
what is monumental to me are molehills for you.
my heart isn't too much good at anything but i put it into everything that i do.
i am equal parts kryptonite and dynamite.
and i will blow you away if i don't blow up first.
i want to get under your skin, inside your head and fall asleep in your nightmares.
my nose is running, and my mind is running away.
tonight has me miserable, but apparently noone wants to hear that.
find a song that makes you smile and send me the pictures.
keep them under my pillow so maybe i can dream something sweeter.
snooze button lovers.
if we give up tonight tomorrow won't matter.

the house of cards is about to collapse and ive got the worst poker face ever.

2007-05-30T20:16:00.000-05:00

sweating out walks to work in hoodies.
heart permanently inked into my sleeve.
the fingers that hit these keys belong to a complete stranger.
not too sure who i was before all this, but then i am not too sure who i am now.
sometimes i wish i could go back to drowning my sorrows.
not like i know how to keep my head above water anyways.
completely and utterly alone.
noone to go back to, nothing to look forward to.
the best moment of my life has been archived away and this is the fallout.
because nothing can come close to how i felt then.
i could not stay away from a bad situation to save my life.
could not let myself be happy to save my sanity.
everyday feels like the worst day ever, the one that should send me over the edge.
but still i am here.
call it a cause but it is more like an effect.
there is not a pill strong enough to lift my spirits.
or a pair of shoulders that could do the same.
off the clock and off the record, it is just me.
and a head full of thoughts determined to keep these eyes wide late into the (every)night.
keys clicking, time bombs ticking, i can only tell you all of my worst qualities.
i will deny every good thing you may say about me.
turn compliments into sarcasm, cause it simply does not register.
full moons fill me with envy.
i am always late for everything.
growing up, giving in, giving up, putting out.
'cute without the 'e'', apathetic without the 'a'.
say 'i don't care', but we all know its a lie.
my head never shuts up, but when my mouth opens, different versions of nothing come out.
stupid stuttering starry eyed kid.
you say you miss me, but how do you miss someone you never knew, who never knew their self?
crisis of faith. crisis of identity. culture shock(ed).
there is an underlying thought that runs throughout everything i have ever said, and everything i will never have the guts to say or find the voice that will scream louder than these words.
how many ways can you say the same thing until it sinks in?
i am surrounded by hypocrites well-versed in contradictions, but i am the very best.
my mood changes constantly, and noone can keep up with the on of on off on off.
there is nothing left to take that hasn't been pillaged, plundered, or pawned.
pride and innocence and love and life.
he said 'i am a corpse bored with my own funeral'.
it's an odd and unsettling feeling to know that someone can write you(off.)r story so effortlessly.
and we are all unique individuals except when we are not.
and the non-conformists are beginning to look identical.
there is not a single emotion that has not been felt.
an idea that has not thought.
a word that has not been said.
and though i am troubled in many aspects, theres someone else out there who is climbing out of the gutter and feeling the sun warm their face and are genuinely happy.
i want to be them so badly but at the same time how could i abandon the only thing that has ever shown a sense of loyalty.
sometimes i think the world needs sad souls to make others find value in their own lives.
and it makes me believe that my role is that of the former.
but don't you dare feel sorry for me.
mr. t could not come close to me as far as pitying fools go.
and wouldn't you know, i am the worst of all.
more later.

i am not real.

2007-05-27T02:02:00.000-05:00

early morning revelations.
my thoughts are full of milligrams, microscopes and mistakes. something went wrong along the way. writing more and more and finding less relief. want to be forgotten. noone could ever fall for a lost cause. want to fight something other than walls. want to be more than this. there is no i in team but there is a you in us and it sounds like an okay idea when the lights are all off. the stars shined brighter when we shared the same patch of sky. egos inflate to protect porcelain hearts. give me all your faith and i will give you all my morals. spinning heads and spinning discs. deeper sleep and sweeter dreams. cant have what you want ever.

back to the future, back to wednesday

2007-05-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

the show went better than i could have ever dreamed.
it made me feel real, made me remember that i am alive.
sometimes i tend to forget that.
inked tickets and photo ops, my nerves came back for a walk on role.
if you saw me, you would have laughed.
its okay though because i was laughing on the inside.
fought my way to the front, i was three rows from the stage.
the sweat, the reverb, the frenetic energy that pulsed in the crowd.
the air was electric.
remembered that the buzzing in your ears is the best souvenir you could ever walk away with.
did not meet who i wanted to meet, but i met a few other faces.
aftershow, afterhours, afterparty.
how did i talk my way into the club.
still not too sure.
saw him on the ones and twos, but you know i could never force myself up there.
he is still golden and i am still flawed.
drama in the ladys room.
screaming for a limo cause someone was cranky.
drinking will do that, i promise you.
danced with the cobra.
could not keep up, but you know i tried.
he had the kind of hug you could move into, call it home.
it wasnt his party but he made it his own.
popping, locking, talking the whole time.
i wanted to be bold, wanted to stand out, and i stepped on my spine trying to cross the thin line.
too used to making a fool of myself, what time did hesitation make the scene?
wish it would have stayed at home, the night was mine.
kind of like i could have done anything and not worried about the ifs.
starstruck maybe.
its all stories to be told to infinity.
to strangers and to inner circles.
to laugh at my awkwardness and acknowledge my luck.
holding every memory of the night close to my heart.
it was good without expecting the bad.
so rare for me as i tend to plan out my disasters.
in passing to a stranger:
her- he could do so much better
me- noone likes to hear when youre happy
her- its all publicity
me- but some people are the infinite victim, cant let themselves be happy.
her-maybe
me- when you are always down on yourself, you convince yourself that the worst is the most you can hope for.
me- hi, i am kettle. have we met?
but thats a downer trip for another day.
i am still stoked, dont want to ruin the way this feels.

eyes open, hood up, ears pressed to the ground.

2007-05-21T00:11:00.000-05:00

secrets are crawling under the cracks.
and whispers hold within them hints.
if you are lost, then you are not paying attention.
and if you are, then shut your mouth.
tell the whole world, and it turns into gossip.
pick it apart and find your place at the back of the line.
it's only this perfect because i refuse to let it be anything but.
face to face is how i want you.
five minutes of your time, how much would that set me back?
weakend was horrible.
but now it's looking up.
and i am counting down.
three two one.
take a snapshot of my insides- twenty four karat.
golden for now, i am a stagecoach.
this is the one time the destination is better than the journey.
by the end of the week, ill be back to a pumpkin.
hit me with your worse and i will return the favor.
not too good with words, but my fists get the point across.
break my spirit, but you are only just bending it.
because i am playing the numbers game at the moment, and its got me smiling despite your best interests.

hell hath no fury like minimum wage.

2007-05-18T02:30:00.000-05:00

dear you,
pinched nerves and broken fingers are just my way of telling you that ive got your number sweetie.
in a week full of shit, you are the motherfucking cherry on top.
please cease breathing because the world will carry on without you, trust me.

this time i am hoping you have a more entertaining exit in mind...

2007-05-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

i have spent the better part of two years trying to get rid of every memory i ever had of you.
and then i found myself in a moment of unplanned weakness.
i wonder what you thought when you saw a letter with my name on it.
i am not totally unconvinced it would have been better if you had left it unanswered.
delete it, when it might mean me.
but now we are back to pretending we are both grown ups.
'bet i am more mature than you' undertones throughout.
and then there was the proposal of an idea.
god knows i should have walked away right then.
you are no good for me.
and everyone knows it.
the hardest thing in life is always going to be staying away from your first.
love, enemy, its pretty much the same if enough time passes.
it would have been nice if i stood up for myself for once instead of making excuses and hoping you would believe them.
but it is so in character for me to take the hardest fucking road everytime.
i wish i wasnt so dependent of opinions formed by people i can not stand.
i am no good for you.
i am not good enough for you.
i am not good enough for myself.
this is the stupidest game ever played.
and i keep telling myself that i am better than this.
that i am smarter than this. i have to be.
it would be nice if i thought you would like me the way i am at night.
when my nightmares play out in my head though i am not asleep.
when i am dying to clear out my mind and the pen never leaves the lines except to tear the pages out of the notebook because they are simply not good enough to stay in.
when i am tearing myself apart, down to the core, because i hate the way i am.
when i finally hit the pillow and switch out counting sheep for wondering if i would be better not waking up.
when i plan out my afterlife because i cant seem to keep my thoughts on tomorrow for too long.
and you will not read this because i will never show you.
but i will act like this is something you should have known all along.
i will be upset when you say you had no clue.
because i couldnt ever let myself be happy, even once.
if you cant figure it out, i cant promise i will stay.

sometimes it makes me inexplicably happy

2007-05-13T04:37:00.000-05:00

that there is someone out there who can make a forevernever happy kid like me smile.
dont stop.
cause im the kind of person who needs to be reminded.
alot.

i know this is a sudden trend, but seriously...

2007-05-12T01:20:00.000-05:00

is it even possible for birds to sleep?
cause it is so far from morning, and yet, they're outside my window once again.
im pretty sure this is significant of something, im just not sure what.
i think i need a bigger head.
somewhere for my thoughts to run free, instead of cramping and being lame.
i cant follow one thought without running off on another for always.
and when i lose the meaning in one idea, then another one becomes clear.
it never really changes, but sometimes it feels like im getting somewhere.
i am becoming more self aware, and that in and of itself is kind of shocking.
detox from parties, detox from friends, detox from life.
sometimes.
take a step in the right direction but whats right isnt easy and whats easy is usually wrong.
not too comfortable with calling it growing up.
age is just a number, and maybe (smile)lines and crinkles(from narrowed eyes) will shed light.
but usually, they just leave you feeling exposed.
calm composure on the outside, keep your insides safe.
but bodies are not too good of actors, and are all too good at betraying you.
youve got scars from tumbling(onoffonoff), and baggage (check the mirror) all over the place.
personify your memories so you can still see them even when you wish you could forget them.
youve got lips that look ripe for kissing, but its just because you spend so much time biting back words and ideas that you could never let escape and give you away.
tell me when that light went out in your eyes, i was too busy getting lost(and found) in them to notice.
and tell me why you shake in heated nights, summer sheets and sweated out hoodies, like you could never get warm enough to find that pulse to remind you that you really are still here.
shallow rivers run through your wrists, but it's clear you're in over your head.
and it feels like rainy day music, low and dreamy, put your words on a loop.
cause it never changes, and even when you rearrange the sequence, it still stays the same.
there are not enough metaphors to make this make sense.
but sometimes, sometimes, repetition is the best medication.
say something enough, even if its a lie, and you'll believe it.
and too much time is being wasted trying to decipher through the rubble.
over analyze and dissect every part of everything until theres nothing left but fragments of something that sounded too pure and genuine to actually be real.
thats just the way it goes.
a handshake isnt just a handshake, its a symbol that will be looked upon months from now to remind you that it was a mistake from the start.
and how your left foot always bounces when youre eating pizza from that one place you love, its indicative of how i knew i would be screwed in the end.
but thats just the physical, i couldnt get into how much damage comes from the verbal.
and how sometimes it feels like youve lost your voice because noones ever listening anyways.
selective hearing i guess.
you know what its like to be a ghost because you know what its like to be in a room and not be acknowledged at all.
maybe its crazy, and more than likely youre crazy, because theres no way out.
fucking hummingbird, if you stopped for once ever, youd probably just fall.

but im thinking the funniest thing is how open for interpretation words can be.
like when 'he' has to be you and how 'you' sometimes means 'me'.
im just a fucked up kid writing letters to myself, maybe.

when it all goes dark, i'll use your eyes to light the way.

2007-05-04T22:39:00.000-05:00

we are the love songs that havent been written yet.
losing sleep making words fit feelings.
we are the 'to everyone else' in the liner notes of your favorite cds.
dying to feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.
we are testing the waters of growing up. undertows at our heels.
we are wrong stars.
burned out before our wishes could make it.
we are clocks that run a minute too quick or too slow.
ruined 11:11's. everytime.
scarred and scared.
we are the prettiest doormat on the block.
waiting to be stepped on or passed by.
we are high fashion.
hearts on sleeves before you could buy it in stores.
true(ly)blue.
we are ticking (time)bombs in chests.
we are stutters and awkward bouts of avoiding eye contact.
thinking with lips and hips.
and our heads do more damage than our fists ever could.
mistakes and regrets last longer than black eyes.
forever is never, but we're not the kind to give it up.
live or die(hard) trying.
we are technicolor in a world full of grey.
me with(out) you is how it always plays out.
but keep writing until you find some hope.
keep the pens flooding paper. its such a black on white affair.
'...wired eyes exposing imperfections to the public eye we're perfect..'
journaling became the new confession booth.
backspace your sins for prosperity.
not as many 'hail mary's, but some of us are still humming 'hallelujah'.
sing it like it was meant for you, even though it never was.
fall for all the wrong hearts all the time.
we are looking for happiness, but this is easier to come by and harder to leave.
history dictates sorrow, and we are (in love with) tragedies.
keep telling yourself 'it only has to sound good' until it doesnt matter.
so keep records on repeat.
and build a home out of words and melodies.
youre not alone, because somewhere, someone will get all this, get you.
and like you because of/despite it.
find comfort kid.

give me a thunderstorm and ill give you all my like.

2007-05-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

last night was a disappointment in more ways than one.
didnt get stood up but i did get crashed on.
i stayed up but shut down.
finally found sleep on the couch (sunrise snoozer) cause the floor didnt like my neck too much.
im not big on the idea of identity sometimes.
like how every picture i see of me looks like a different version of a person that i cant see in mirrors.
constantly changing the outside to match what i think the inside would look like.
havent gotten it right yet, but one day someday. maybe.
life is funny in the way how when you look forward to something, the slightest setback feels like apocalypse in your head.
and bad news is heavier when hope is riding shotgun.
fluffy white cloud kind of day today had me looking for silver linings.
less like search-and-destroy and more like never leave my side.
but persistence and an itchy finger saw me walking into (tourist)traps.
i got the golden ticket and now im counting down days faster than usual.
this whole year feels like ive built it all up to one day(could change it all).
although if were being honest, vagueness aside, its been building up much longer than that.
but no matter how this comes out, from my head to your eyes, i truly am happy tonight.
took pictures to commit to memory(cards).
bookmarked the feeling to remind me that days like this arent so bad.
smiles today were the real thing i swear.
and happiness is just begging to be torn down, or so they say.
so lecture me in a book judged by the cover kind of way.
you: i dont get why
me: maybe its better that way
you: ten bucks says you jump this bandwagon for the next one
me: pastimes are trends-lifelines are there as long as youre hanging on
you: but youve got the worst grip ever
me: ....(ass)
sometimes i want to prove them all wrong. sometimes its just you.
we go down with sinking ships because this is our story.
and we would never let you write the ending.
diehard dreamers with waterlogged lungs.
our last gasp is a collective fuck you-
to everyone who bailed when they found out it wasnt ever going to be easy.
you think you know, but stop reading the cliffnotes.
call encyclopedia brown and get a fucking clue.
cant say why this reads so harshly.
because really, i couldnt be happier right now.

at four in the morning, i own the streets.

2007-04-26T03:23:00.000-05:00

i can sing out of key as loudly as i want and it will fall on deaf ears.
i turn the pavement of this ghost town into a stage.
and i am nothing more than a street performer.
i dont have to avert my eyes from strangers in my path.
at four in the morning, there is noone stranger than i.
i fell in love with all the flowers that stuck around for the encore.
trueblue. diehards.
and i let myself imagine for a minute that thats what it might feel like to have a following.
they couldnt care less how you sound, how you look, or what you say or dont say.
theyre there for you.
the bite in the air took me back a few months.
to the chill that i complain about, but secretly, id take the sleepy cold months over the sticky sunburn ones.
its all going so fast.
and the days drift into the next without warning, and now its already almost may.
where is it all going, and why cant i make it slow down.
i dont know anything about anything.
but at four in the morning, i can find something that feels close to real.
dont let me forget to remember how this feels.
and once again the early birds are singing my exit song.
i hope this doesnt lose its charm.

'one, two, fuck you'.

2007-04-23T02:59:00.000-05:00

birds outside my window. insane.
another late night, early morning. whatever.
i have learned the only thing i will ever be good at.
disappointment is my skill. honed and trained.
i am the assassin of all your dreams, and some of mine too.
i want to purge all the secrets i have ever kept.
call it spring cleaning. and go buy a broom.
call it an exorcism. and go get some holy water.
pretty much its not an easy job, no matter what the label says.
ive learned that one of my favorite shows is actually one of the biggest drags ever.
it bummed me out.
damn all night marathons.
been hitting alot of stuff lately.
put your words in your fist and dont bother aiming.
the contact and release is all that matters.
aching knuckles aside, it worries me.
i am one of the single most impulsive people in the world.
pretty problematic.
ive got a mouth that would make a sailor blush.
and i dont care to censor myself anywhere.
my head cant keep up with my mouth ever.
slowed down by all the thoughts, anchor like.
god id love to be okay for even a little bit.
and im trying to make it right but i all i got was an e for effort.
and no matter where you go, it's the total mark of failure.
believe me when i say its not flattering.
i am the definition of a clusterfuck right now.
and id give anything to be able to find my way out.
but old habits (usually the bad ones) are hard to quit.
consequence is just a fancy word for what if.
i cant be concerned until after the fact.
i wish i didnt care. i wish i couldnt think.
if flaws add character, id be the best one ever.
put two wrecks on the same track and it spells out a bigger collision.
i am scared and exhilerated by the thought.
cause all i want to do is crash(intoyou).
all the flowers are pulling their sleepy heads up and are blooming.
dont let it get out, but theyre only doing it for you.
and you are so fucking classic. and i am all kinds of nostalgic tonight.
which was yesterday. now today.
id tell you to get out of my head, but i kind of like the way this feels.

such a convnient inconvenience.

2007-04-20T23:34:00.000-05:00

myself that is.
getting down again.
it seems so fucking predictable lately.
like its too much to ask for to have a single day where i can be completely okay.
and not feel even worse than before the next day.
and i cant seem to figure out why ever.
its such a drag.
i need to get out of my head.
no rest for the wicked, or wicked thoughts at the very least.
im horrible company like this.
but itd be nice to have someone around.
i guess itll be blank walls i share my head with tonight.
and id give anything to be over this.
to ease my mind, to calm yours.
goodnights rest all around.
and even though my heads on the pillow and the blankets pulled up.
i wont sleep at all.
but more like spend the next x hours trying to convince myself i should.
then again, ive never bothered with anything anyone else had to say.
and im the last person in the world to have good advice much less follow it.

i dont want you. just the idea of you please.

2007-04-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

i only feel awake when everyone else is asleep.
i want to be the sparkle in your eyes.
i want to be the reason your heart skips a beat and you hope to god that noone saw the smile that (truth or) dared to sneak across your lips in front of everyone else.
because the world only wants to tear down happiness.
and rub it in your face once theyve got you there.
every kiss and hug is laced with the intent to blackmail you out of your life or stab your back.
its all the same even when it doesnt feel like it.
take a look in the mirror and see the footprints in your back from every time you could not say no.
regrets from the yes's take form in the shadows under your eyes.
youve got some heavy baggage and the whole world is in on your secret.
how is it all your lies turn into your best kept secrets.
and youre never the one to let a good thing stay around too long.
tell me how the way your life became the one thing keeping you from feeling alive.
your hearts beating but noone cares.
when 'i's become 'you's its a whole new ballgame.
and the aim is still terrible, but the blame takes the side of whoever i want simply because im the one in control of the pen and direction.
and its the only place to get away from it all exept for when im calling you out.
the definition of 'you' gets blurred.
like; you want to get(me) drunk. (yeah i saw right through that one).
vs; im only counting sheep tonight so maybe i can dream of you.
brown eyed boys are the best thing around in case you havent heard.
the stars are laid out in a masterpiece for you tonight.
but youd never see them cause theyre laying under(cover) blankets of rainy clouds.
the thoughts still there and in the numbers game its all become, its good that it still counts for something. right?

its not the altitude thats got my head in the clouds.

2007-04-14T19:49:00.000-05:00

a week ago it was snowing here.
weird cause it's april, weirder cause it was here.
ticktockticktock.
the hands on the clock are relentless
at least they would be if they weren't digitized.
ive been thinking myself into some pretty dark corners lately.
not pleased. but also not surprised.
kind of got a penchant for it.
but im trying to keep it hush hush.
dont want the right people to worry and the wrong ones to notice.
itd be nice if i could figure it out.
sometimes its ok to lose your mind, as long as you can find it later on.
and its ok to not be fine but that doesnt make me al(l)right.
it would be nice to be able to say i never meant anything i said.
or to tell you that all the thoughts were for show.
but noones watching me, this or you. so why bother keeping track of reactions.
i have never been one to be anything other than what i am.
and for better for worse, it will always be me.
believe me when i say im sorrier than you will ever say out loud.
my heads full of words recently.
and it feels like i cant find a single original thought in the whole bunch.
its all the same, just the numbers change and maybe the days too.
ive been forgetting what day it is more and more.
and i dont really care. it just seems like i should.
monday. sunday. nothing ever changes enough to make a difference.
and holidays are so unceremonious now.
trying to remember what it felt like to care.
to feel like i was a part of this instead of just coming apart.
i know i used to think with some sort of caution, trepidation.
but now its like the more i throw myself out there, the more fucked(up) i end up.
and its lame cause it shouldnt be like this, but im lamer cause i cant find my way out.
fuck your futures.
fuck your fortunes.
i just want to find some sense/cents.

id give you my heart but its kind of attatched to me at the moment.

2007-04-11T01:41:00.000-05:00

its all so yesterday.
its all been said by someone better.
but these words are just a paraphrase of them.
always has been, and the forecast is pretty stalled.
i dont know myself anymore so it is really hard trying to get to know you.
like a puzzle with step-by-step instructions and i still cant get it right.
punching walls and beating myself up, im aggressively passive.
im only good at figuring out frauds because im such a good one myself.
vapid smiles and out stretched hands connected to heads filled with vacancies from where logic, literacy and life have all checked out long ago. youre not fooling anyone sweetheart.
to go on like this much longer seems insane, and honestly, doesnt seem worth it.
a life similar to a game of tug of war.
the struggle doesnt end but the stakes get higher.
id let go but then you would win.
and im a (sore) loser anyways and couldnt stand to give you the satisfaction.
at least for now.

i am a wreck why would you want me.
i am a wreck why dont you want me.
i am wrecked. and the demolition crew is on their way out.
sleep tight cause i wont.

i put the in .

2007-04-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

cause thats just how it goes.
had my biggest breakdown the other night.
couldnt find one reason why id be worth anything to anyone.
secrets that have been kept for so long came out in between cigarette smoke and tears.
its so cliche but it wouldnt be me other wise.
it was weird because someone actually said they worried about me.
and its such a new feeling but i dont know what to do with it.
ive got all this stuff in me that needs changing, but the equipment is falling apart and replacements are harder and harder to come by.
and this kid. god this kid. hes got the world on his shoulders and hes breaking breaking breaking down.
the fakers are being recognized and it makes me sick that hes jsut another shiny thing to keep your attention.
this kid is so much more than that. and noone notices.
hes the only thing that feels real to me and the rest of you are determined to make him out as a fraud.
eat shit. seriously. if you really cared, then you wouldnt care at all.
words contradict themselves, actions are dissected and distorted from the birds eye view we all get.
noone knows how it goes, just how we think it goes.
and noone stays the same but the older parts never go away.
ive got rusted dreams of this kid. and hes pure fucking gold. too good for me.
but right now, it doesnt matter because he keeps letting me know that one day we're all going to be over this phase and it wont count for shit the words that are slung with hate and blind judgment.
one day itll be like it should and the hype wont mean a thing cause hes just a kid and im just a kid.
and someday we;ll make sense of it all. or not. but thats a thought for another day.
run away until the world forgets our names. until were just faces in the crowd.
if i could escape (idtakeyouwithme).

sick. and sick of this.

2007-04-05T21:32:00.000-05:00

hands down, this has been the worst week ever.
im losing what little faith in people i have left.
the spirit of spontaneity is being drowned by the reality of human douchebaggery.
noone ever listens when they say "it could happen to you"
cause were always like, so above the possibility.
we lead the charmed lives, cause no matter how bad it gets, it will never be like that for us.
i came crashing off my pedestaled mentality earlier this week.
it could have been the greatest april fools joke in history.
except i wasnt laughing.
i trusted you like you expected me to.
i constantly curse my oblivious nature.
you proved me wrong.
enjoy everything that you took from me.
cds and journals and the blah blah blah aside
you also took just a little more of my dignity, pride, and innocence.
but youd nver be able to return any of that.
cause you cant even answer your phone.
congratulating myself for being the biggest fool.
this is the week that refuses to end.
give me something to look forward to.
anything at all.

im so stupid.

2007-03-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

it would take forever to explain.
weak, stupid, and pathetic come to mind right now.
i saw an episode of futurama tonight that made me want to cry.
i never saw it before.
he would wait forever.
and he di(e)d.
waiting.
wouldnt it be crazy if someone wanted to wait for me?
i dont deserve that.
but fuck me if it wouldnt be nice.
my head is filled with watermelon and my throat burns.
i want to be better than this.
i wish someone else wanted me to be better than this.
maybe then id have a reason to change.
but who could ever care enough for a sad fuck like me?
theyre out there i hope/know.
and ill wait forever for them.

the sweet irony.

2007-03-24T03:17:00.000-05:00

how everything thats got you crazy has got me crazy over you.
why would you ever want to fix a feeling thats selling so well?
it feels like a full moon night, even though the skys lit with a simple grin.
id get my head in the game if only i felt like playing.
and ive been skipping my turns for so long.
i think im going to buy monopoly.
just so i can carry around a get out of jail free card.
you know. just in case.
i wish i could make more sense of this.
but thats just the way it goes.

p.s.

2007-03-18T03:14:00.000-05:00

what an uneventful pity party.
i wish i could be special.
im probably not.
and i dont know what to make of that.

if its not broke, ill find a way.

2007-03-18T00:09:00.000-05:00

anything that sounds sweet is sure to make your head sour.
the aftertaste of the aftermath.
much better off like this, right?
yeah. pretty much.
its kind of like a jekyll/hyde matter with me, the way my insides get warm from the excess that makes sobering thoughts all the more so, which makes me nostalgic for the warmth so that i wont be bothered by those thoughts.
total cycle of annihilation. working this long, at least.
i have imagined that my wooden box will be bordered with bottles. but not the ones with the alcohol volume in tiny print at the bottom. cause we all know thats so two months ago. replace the remnants of liquid courage with childproof lids. which, for the record, shouldnt be made to keep just kids out. tell me that they shouldnt come up with grown-up (or something like that...) proof caps. because its a much harder task to keep an adult out of a bottle than to keep a kid from getting in. serious face here.
finding and losing myself with every trip to the medicine cabinet.
but i could never go cold turkey. making it better always has the potential to make it worse.
i am a monster pretty much. and the only time i feel authentic is when im presenting a masterpiece of milligrams to the masses. going out of my mind with the same strange pills that keep me up to see tomorrow become today.
fucking pathetic.
lose friends. lose myself. lose touch. the trip is always more interesting than the destination. but none of this is getting me anywhere.
cause and effect.
trial and error.
more like crash and burn. then repeat.
its not wit. cause im not witty. more like a mantra that plays on long after the ship has hit the ocean floor.
expect disappointment.
embrace failure.
greet rejection with open arms. theyre the only thing keeping me company late at night.
good thoughts are only good for a walk-on, leaving me telling (myself) stories of when it didnt seem so bad.
the epitome of a storyteller but all ive got are recycled lines that ive been saying since day one.
none of this makes too much sense. but why would it ever. its all in my head after all. so of course it translates all wrong. told my friend the other day that life kind of feels like a whore lately. and even though i swore id abstain, it seems that ive been getting fucked for free. it sounded good enough at the time.
i honestly cant commit to anything. ever. and thinking too long on that is enough to make me feel like i should maybe commit myself. but padded walls could never keep me out of my head. like the way how just the idea of being here one more day freaks me out or how i get absurdly excited by the thought of that handful of release, let a few hit the floor just for dramatic effect. because i am obviously the consummate dramaddict.
cut down the sides and turn me inside out. this(that) pen just isnt doing enough damage anymore.
fix. me.
i really dont want to be the eternal trainwreck. i get tired of feeling like this and god knows that i will shut the door on every single attempt that dares try. i am the classic waste. stuck down in the its-already-been-done-before dumps.
the people.
the dependencies.
the over the counter highs.
the as-seen-from-the gutters lows.
the empty undreamed nights.
that fucking phone that never rings.
the way i cant say no.
the way saying yes makes me feel so useless.
the way i dont look forward to anything anymore.
i am nothing(.) more than an uncalculated disaster. and the pens and these keys only make it that much clearer.
i want may more than oxygen at this point. dont read into that too much.
kind of a drag that id never stand a chance at catching your eye.
i am only too good at filling in as the overdramatic fuck. always. i dont know why im still at this anymore. no clue who i am or whose borrowed life it feels like i am destroying.
dead end job.
dead___ friends.
dead en(e)d heart.
just dead. did i really miss all the detours to a better(sounding) state of mind? destined to remain bleak and despondent on all accounts until i find my spine, my nerve, anything that will pull me out of this.
call me a scientist, but less like rocket science and more like a chemist.
balancing side effects and documenting tolerances. piecing together the perfect equation to find that final nail to smash into my coffin. if im not getting it out here or on paper, it just stagnates and infiltrates otherwise productive thoughts.
taking sapshots of sunsets and purple clouds instead of friends.
this isnt right.this cant be it. ive perfected the role of the blue kid who is too fucking down (on herself) for her own fucking good. the one that serves to make you feel better by comparison. "so glad im not like that". and they are the ones that only have to deal with me in couple-hour increments. but i get it all the time. lucky me. but not so much.
everyday i give(up) a little more. and i have never been more serious when i say i dont think ill be making the annual status report if conditions do not improve. dont really think my heart is in it anymore. small doses dont stay small for too long. someone get me the hell out of here.
(no)love,
me.

so in my head.

2007-03-12T01:22:00.000-05:00

im thinking about how much of a contradiction i may be right now.
lets be impartial and blame it on the lack of shuteye(s).
im burning the midnight oil with a lit cigarette in hand.
delirious, quite possibly.
but theres a smile hidden at the end of the straight face that were all accustomed to.
feeling put on the spot.
and im not quite sure what to do.
wake up the neighbors but not really.
hummingbird heartbeats.
i feel like i need to share this feeling with someone.
but as ive said before, all my friends are ghosts.
ill be spending the night with some familiar walls.
the world is too busy to pay attention when you have a good day.
and the bad ones always fall on deaf and disinterested ears.
the (bad)luck of the irish.
spring forward. fall back. its all a matter of time.

untold dangers of thinking and writing.

2007-03-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

this seems to be all that im good for pretty much.
read. let it sink in. reflect in paraphrases.
someone let the words 'talented' and 'intelligent' slip through their lips the other day.
but dont worry. i could never be the big head type.
i honestly cant stand mostly everything you may/may not read.
but at this point, i couldnt stop if i wanted to.
its the cheapest form of therapy available to the minimum wage slaves.
and the only thing it will ever cost me is my rapidly dwindling grasp on the world and maybe all my friends.
im sure of that because ive seen the play in action. it never fails.
so i quit my establishment and moved to somewhere less noticeable. all the attention made me kinda nervous.
the only sure thing is the negative.
positives are there as a means of offering hope.
and hopeful and hopeless go hand in hand these days.
i found a fake rose on the side of the road today. and in classic fashion, i carried it home with me.
affections are disposable lately. and all the best intentions, honest and truer than all the others, are so easily discarded.
it takes more effort to realize that someone would be willing to care for a wreck like you than it does to find the underlying evidence on why they never really meant it in the first place.
and ive got a lifetime membership in the club for disappointment.
its never you. cause its always me.
lethal in the way i will shoot you down after i let you in.
i cant be bothered to have you bothering yourself over me.
you can tell yourself that you are not worth it is all you hear and your throat bleeds from the repetition.
and eventually you will believe every word. and will never be convince-able no matter who tries to make you see.
call it a phase. call it the residue of teenage invincibility and rebellion that just never went away.
but its a process and i am twenty one years into it. a turnaround isnt in the forecast for awhile.
i get lost in my own head more often than i get lost in eyes.
thinking about getting bread crumbs so maybe i could find my way out for once.
i just keep these keys clicking because its the onlything i know how to do.
i cant write about happiness. its out of character and the moment is usually gone before i can wite about how it feels.
so as of late, i have decided to keep my romantic options limited to words.
the writers of the past and the modern day poets that keep me looking inside for a shred of humanity.
i think i am defected. factory reject. and i just cant find it in me to make it right.
i dont know what i need, but i know what im lacking.
always saying that youll never meet anyone like me, but never mean it in a flattering way.
more like youd never want to meet someone like me cause im kind of a drag.
good moments are always for show.
keep the world off my cloud cause its stitched with fake smiles and your questions pull at the thread and leave me stuck in a rainy day state of mind.
if you(i) ever really knew what i was like, you wouldnt like me.
if you knew that i wanted to throw myself off a bridge at thirteen, with a little note and all, you wouldnt call it normal.
if you knew that i wanted to throw all this away at the age of fucking eight, youd call it the slowest suicide ever.
if you knew how i used to black out with the intent of never waking up, youd call me unhealthy.
blackouts are warning flags that one should slow down, and for me theyre a sign that im just not trying hard enough.
trying to give that up though, cause its only taken two years to build up a life of regrets.
and really, like i need to add the damage of my actions under the influence to already fucked up head/state/life.
this keyboard is my confessional booth cause i couldnt bear to hear the tinge of sadness in a priests tone.
not like religions my bag anyways.
i was the kid that thought heaven would be the most boring place ever. a bunch of people terrified of a god that theyve never seen but read about in books, living life without even really living just so you could get a good seat in the afterlife. but is it an afterlife if you never really lived.
i was the kid convinced that hell would be a blast. hell was like the place that all the cool kids went. kinda like a south park kind of hell before south park was even around. eternal detention over damnation. all the people that did what they wanted to. werent afraid to break rules.
this is long and longwinded. like anyone would read this and understand what im trying to say. im not too sure i even know what im trying to say. but this is how it goes in my head. keyboard or not.
this is my reason for loss of sleep. for loss of sanity.
i burn my bridges when im only halfway across them.
i hold grudges more than i hold hands.
i dream of times i never knew. hearts i never loved. and words that i never wrote.
its hard to look at myself and see ive made it this far. with so little to show for it, and so much lost.
almost ten years of hating myself and distancing myself is almost as normal as breathing by now.
all this time ive been dreading every tomorrow and its the reason for my lack of goals, and my lack of commitment, and my lack of maturity, cause who ever could have thought id still be here.
im stopping here cause if i dont then i wont stop writing. like at all.
sometimes i wish for a single set of eyes to see this and know that as alone as we both feel, were really not.
throw that into my pile of wasted time.

second chance at a first impression.

2007-03-08T19:11:00.000-05:00

not that anyones reading or anything.
one. i look and act along younger than i am. it doesnt work in my favor too often.

two. if you met me, maybe you would like me. its the fifth and sixth impressions that will change your mind.

three. i have a bad habit of fucking up. alot.

four. there are a few people that would like to make sure i do not forget that.

five. i kiss more people than i should.

six. i sleep with less people than you may hear about.

seven. the rumor mill is always churning some kind of bad news about me. dont believe any of it.

eight. in love with words. pen to paper or texts only though. face to face and phone calls make me nervous.

nine. currently trying to be more and less than what everyone thinks of me.

ten. i internalize and overanalyze everything. it keeps me up at night. it keeps these keys singing.

eleven. im not too busy to answer your call. i kinda just do not want to talk to you. im sorry.

twelve. as soon as i let someone in, i start working on plans to push them away. blame my microscopic attention span.

thirteen. i will never talk about my family. some bridges will remain burnt beyond repair.

fourteen. i hate christmas. thanksgiving is not as bad, but its still a drag. blame thirteen.

fifteen. i have been dreaming up my funeral for years. so far i am convinced you should probably just skip it.

sixteen. right now i am swooning over the kids in my headphones. unattainable and unrequited. kind of perfect.

seventeen. i am trying to stop doing stupid things that i can control. drinking and whatnot just leaves me with a longer list of sorry notes to send out. i am still dealing with everything i fuck up when i am not under the influence.

eighteen. im tired of the polar options when i comes to me. love. hate. find the middle ground and care enough to not care too much. noone knows what its like to be friends anymore. its sucj a fucking drag.

nineteen. i am shy, secretive, immature, and forgettable. you should probably keep that in mind.

twenty. i always waste wishes on finding that person who gets all this. and still wants to give me a chance.

ive got more but twenty feels like a good place to stop.
youll see me more here than you did before. good or bad, i am still not sure.