everything i told myself i didnt deserve

nothing but happy
sunshine and cubbies
glow in the dark smiles
waking up next to you is my favorite thing ever
committing all of this to memory
so i can tell myself one day far away
that it really happened
that i didnt dream you
and that there are moments in your life that are pretty fucking amazing
if you give up the doom and gloom once in a while.

Such a lovely day, I think I'll spend it alone.

all dolled up without a ken.
i hate wishing to fall asleep in those arms
because i cant go to sleep until i am.
spoiled by the one with the hole in the wall.
heart running faster than the indy 500.
i might be a criminal but you can be my alibi.
life in slow motion all around me.
were all cogs in a clock that stopped ticking, stopped talk/tocking long ago.
wearing down our so(u)les and ending up where we began.
a million miles to nowhere and all the time in the world.
lets waste it all looking at you looking at me watching me crack under your eyes.
i never was one for compliments.
laugh. shrug it off. turn it around.
i wish i could be as genuine as you (deserve).
truth is im too busy trying to play it cool, to keep from making it sink.
youre a million wishes come true and i implode when youre nearby.
but its the brightest ive shined in a while.
you could keep me if you wanted to.
and i wouldnt even make you ask.

My twin feels like a king.

When I am alone and can't hear the lullaby in your chest.
Missing your cubbyhole and the quiet and the dark.
Missing warm arms around cold ones.
Want the whispered kisses on foreheads, cheeks, and noses.
Want to wake up to you every time the sun comes up/goes down.
You make my heart feel like a hummingbird, and when you're not here, it stops.
Trying to sleep here feels like trying to sleep on a crowded freeway on the surface of the sun.
I am thinking you were made to fit me.

all im worth are a few melodies and maybe a word or two that rhyme

my opinions arent profound. my ideas wont change the world. all the words in the world have been written too many times to spark originality. and in a few years it will all be worth even less than it is right now. but im not too bothered by it in the present which i called the future in the past.

all of the greatest moments of my life have never been the result of careful planning. schematics. bullet pointed checklists arranged from highest to lowest in terms of priority. every single shitty smile that turned up lips and bounced in my brain and shook my spine and set loose butterflies in my stomach and made my legs shake in anticipation came about when i shut my head down. lived life like my lungs were collapsing and what i did wouldnt mean anything anyways. ive met people i would never dreamed of meeting and carried conversations with people off stage. i have made friends that make my heart feel like its golden. mistakes have been made as well since no track record can be flawless. but its always been that period of time where the only thing you can do is act or react. fight or flight. all in on a shitty bluff, waiting to take the house.

ive seen the sun rise and set in different states when i used to believe all i would know was the only one id ever seen. followed stars in the sky across borders. been in moshpits at shows i never thought id ever go to. felt like frankensteins monster come to life in the crowds of pulsing bodies, soaked in sweat and singing every line like it was saving them. spoken to people and built foundations when i am too used to waiting for everyone to make their move.

hypothetical lives lost in the fires of bridges left burning, ties severed with little remorse. i sometimes look back though, and wonder, what if they could see what i have become now. would they get it? would they see a single picture and piece together the thousand words that i could never say then? probably not.

the thing is, that the spring has brought with it a reason to smile. a reason to pull myself out of a bed i so recently felt inclined to give up in. the idea that my worth is worth it to someone else. and that maybe im okay the way i am. that i dont need to change me to change a mind. and that for every fucked up thing about me that was the reason he left, and he left, and he left too, i am left wishless when it comes to dandelions because in that tiny window of act/react, i acted. and they dont care about what all the things i thought were terrible about me.

writing an i.o.u. to the universe for finally letting me see what the grass is like over there.

...but even if i couldn't, i'd still be happy

i want to sing every old blink song with you.
i want to lay under stars and find a name for every one.
i want to kiss you until i cant kiss you anymore.
i want to see your smile in my eyelids.
i want to fall asleep next to you forever.
i want to find a song for each and everything about you that makes my head light.

i kind of don’t know how i got you, but i don’t ever want to let you go.

i dont know who you are/i am/this is, but i do know its my new favorite.

a kid could get addicted to the feeling of being permanently two inches off the ground like this.
getting dizzy from the change in alt/ttitude.
flames that kept calling, kept burning again and again are a million miles away.
now its all about clinging to shirts, memorize the smell.
the spring '08 trend is all about tiptoe kisses.
so get into it.
pretty positive this shitty kid doesnt deserve someone like you.
but my fingers are crossed that the thought doesnt cross your mind.
im a bit of a mess but you dont seem to care.
the royalty of minimum wage shit jobs.
were gonna make them all jealous, just you wait.

'falling, yes i am falling, and he keeps calling, me back again..'

the clouds have shifted along with the mood

dancing on the tips of my nose
eskimo kisses
hiding in cubbyholes where no one knows
im in over my head
but i cant complain
havent felt this in forever

happy

wrong wrong wrong

the last thing i wanted was for you to say you were worried.
for you to care, yes.
for you to worry, no.
for the 6am phone call to express said worry, definitely not.
i stand on the fact that i had arms to stay in that night would not have happened.
but this is my fault not yours.
and now i dont know what to do.

I'm taking bets, even with the odds against me.

tomorrow will be
awesome
disastrous
amazing
terrible
and i wont even think about it until the weekend.
dont stop me.
except i wish you would.

to feel no more bitterness forever

when you cannot stop smiling even when you want to
this is for you
think of it not so much as leaving for good
instead, we left somewhere else to make it here
and we live we laugh we learn we lust and we lose
and then we carry on to where all of it is irrelevant
and sometimes
sometimes
i cant help but wonder
do i feel bad that you left
or do i feel the sting of envy that it was not me
subtract our boldest and brilliant and toss them into the night sky
so that even our darkest nights arent quite so bad
shine on sad stars
shine on